Subconscious Messages

Stop I want to get off

2012-01-30T18:00:00.000-08:00

I think I got on the wrong train. It doesn't seem to be going in a direction that my pocketbook can keep up with. Could it be the sign said trials when I thought it said trails?

Today was yet another expensive jog on my current journey. Most of the early part of the day a young heating tech by the name of Clinton tried to find out why the pilot light on my gas furnace kept blowing out. About 15 minutes after he would leave my house, with "it should work now", it would extinguish itself again. We finally decided rather than put several hundred dollars into a 35 year old furnace it would be smarter to buy a new one. Tomorrow it will be installed and at least I will have heat again. It's a good thing I have excellent credit!

Not to be outdone my car decided it needed a new battery last night. Why it had to pick this week to refuse to start I have no idea. It did have the good sense to pull its prank at a friends house. Her twin sons took me to get a replacement and even installed it for me. In the meantime their mother offered me a delicious Mexican dinner, complete with birthday cake, celebrating the twin's 17th birthday.

This afternoon a roofer came to check out my house damage from the snow. I should get an estimate in a day or two. He said he would try to keep it low. I'm not holding my breath! One thing I did learn from his visit was to knock off the icicles that form on the edge of the roof because they cause melting snow to go under the shingles instead of down to the ground. This in turn causes damage to the ceilings. Makes sense to me!

Tomorrow is the last day of January and I sure hope this train full of negative crap reaches the end of its route or simply dumps its load. I have had quite enough thank you very much!

Is anybody out there?

2012-01-29T12:14:00.000-08:00

Things are going from bad to worse at my house in little ole Grants, New Mexico. On top of everything else I discovered this morning that the thermocouple I had put in my furnace a couple of weeks ago is no longer working and I have no heat. Being Sunday I can't get in touch with the company who installed the part. I am just going to have to deal with the cold until Monday morning.

I do have a portable electric heater, an electric blanket and a small gas wall heater in the addition to my house so I won't freeze to death. It has also warmed up a bit outside from last week. I have in the past gone without water for several days, but not heat for any length of time. I hope the company isn't going to try to charge me another $85 for a service call. Good luck collecting that people!

One thing I am grateful for is that I am not a homeless person wandering around in the elements trying to stay warm. Things can always be worse. Looking around and observing what others have been given to deal with proves that. Maybe I don't have family members who care about me and my problems, but I have plenty of friends that do. I am very grateful for those friends and for the positive energy they are directing toward me.

If somebody is out there listening and observing that energy cannot be ignored for long. I know some kind of help is on its way to turn things around.

Ask and let it be

2012-01-28T12:49:00.000-08:00

Realizing I needed universal help for my current situation of snow damage to my roof/ceiling, I decided to check my copy of Angel's 101 by Doreen Virtue to see if there was an archangel who might be in tune with my needs. Scanning the information brought my attention to Archangel Ariel.

She has been known to produce "miraculous manifestations". I also checked out web images of this entity and found a photo portrayed as a "snow angel". How close does one need to get to the problem I thought. In the past I have had amazing results asking for help from other archangels, but never Ariel.

Wednesday night I printed out the photo, lit a candle, played a restful music video and had a quiet conversation with Archangel Ariel. I knew I had to truly believe in her angelic ability before the assistance I asked for would be granted. I thought I had done that as I placed the inspirational photo on my vision board and waited to see what would happen.

I knew she wasn't going to fly down with a backpack full of shingles and miraculously put a new roof on my house, but I believed she would lead me to the help I needed to solve my problem. Against advice from a friend I started a claim with my house insurance company and had every reason to believe it would be honored. Due to the sneaky wording in an exclusion clause I found out Friday that my problem was not covered.

At this point I freely admit that I was more than a little disappointed in my new guide. I briefly felt I had been betrayed because what I thought was going to happen did not. The only thing I could do at this point was call a couple of local contractors and get an estimate of repairing the damage. Figuring out how I was going to pay for it would have to come later. First I needed to know exactly what I was dealing with.

Looking at the photo of Archangel Ariel last night I thought about what I had asked for. I realized that just because the solution did not come about the way I thought it would didn't mean it wouldn't happen. There are many ways in which help could come. I had stopped believing in a miraculous manifestation and by doing so cut off the help I was seeking.

This morning I knew I needed to begin again and this time allow spirit to do her/his job in whatever manner she/he saw fit. In other words ask and let it be.

Who can you trust?

2012-01-27T13:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was told by a young lady sitting behind the desk in the Farmer's Insurance office that my claim, submitted to their subsidiary Foremost Insurance office, for damage to my roof and ceiling from our recent snow storms would be honored. At the very least I expected a reasonable repair job at the most I thought I might get a new roof. I was also told an adjuster would be in contact that day.

I was happy with the news and merrily went home and took some pictures of the damage for future reference. The master bathroom is in the worst shape, followed by the second bathroom. the proof is in the following photos.

After waiting all day to hear from the adjuster I called the agency and complained. I was assured he would call. He finally did, but not until the next morning. He started out by telling me our conversation would be recorded. Who cares? Just get on with it! After about 15 minutes of bullshit he read me a clause in my policy, which said damage from rain, sleet and snow was excluded. I won't add my reaction, but I am sure you can guess what it was just before I hung up.

I have never heard of anything so absurd. I live in the middle of the New Mexico desert for crying out loud not Minnesota! The snow we got this year is almost unheard of. It broke a record set in the late 60s. I thought the reason I had insurance was for things just like this.

After expecting the best yesterday today I don't expect much of anything good. Now I am on my own to deal with a contractor and have the most serious damage repaired first. All I have to say is read the fine print before you sign anything or fork over your hard earned money.

It is getting so you really can't trust anyone anymore.

Don't follow too close

2012-01-26T10:51:00.000-08:00

We sometimes get so caught up in what others are selling that we forget to step back and look at things from another angle. Since my spiritual awakening began I have checked out the teachings of many who proclaim to be enlightened. I have stayed for awhile, picked up the information that I needed and moved on to something else. I have learned through trial and error not to follow too close to anyone or any thing.

Other people, even when they have a title following their name are simply teachers put on my path to help me on my earth journey. I have often been told that I have very strong intuition. As the years have passed I have noticed that the more I follow that universal gift the better off I am and the stronger it becomes. I believe it is a built in guidance system directly connected to our Source of eternal existence. Everyone has it, but not everyone pays attention.

When I look back at the amount of information I have gathered through groups, organizations, books, videos, websites and other people in the last few years I really have to laugh. How much information is enough anyway?

One of the most humorous is my temporary attraction to Abraham/Hicks. An entity known as Abraham, who promotes the law of attraction, is supposed to be channeled through the human mind of Esther Hicks. I admit I was taken in for awhile because it was different. Part of my attraction to the videos that I watched was the fact that I found Abraham just plain funny. His/her responses to the absurd problems that were presented gave me plenty of moments of free entertainment. Esther’s husband recently died of cancer and she is now saying she is channeling his spirit. Alright lady the game is over, I am done and you went way too far for me!

Abraham and in fact all laws of attraction are based on one simple fact and that is, our thoughts create our reality. Think more positive thoughts and you’ll get more good stuff happening to you. For instance, eat more good food and you’ll be rewarded with a healthier life. It doesn’t take someone to write book after book or produce a ton of videos to get that point across.

I have come to the conclusion that from now on I need to be really careful who and what I am following and for how long. If my intuition is telling me it’s time to get out I’m going to do just that.

New Vision

2012-01-25T11:10:00.000-08:00

In considering if I should sell what I have and rent I was given a suggestion that produced a new vision of the question. It was “concentrate on what you have not on what you don’t have”. The result follows:

Why sell my house and down size my living conditions?
I live in a very comfortable home surrounded by things I love and have mostly paid for myself. Even though it has more room than I actually need at the moment- so what! It has everything I do need and would not find in something smaller. It has 3 bedrooms used for a master bedroom, a guest bedroom and an office; two bathrooms, one of which I mostly ignore along with the 20’X 20’ addition; a large kitchen that fits my needs perfectly and a comfortable living and dinning area. Outside is a large shed for storage containing among other things a small freezer. I also have a garage, an asset I would not have if renting an apartment. Best of all is the spacious deck just outside my patio window great for just hanging out, watching the clouds or listening to the birds in the surrounding trees.

Is it possible I don’t think I deserve what I have?
The answer to that is probably yes. It is an age old problem that I thought I had conquered, apparently not. In reality what I do not deserve is to be forced to dispose of possessions, including the possibility of my two mature cats, to live below the standard that I have now. That makes no sense at all.

Eliminate house insurance, property tax
Around $900 per year for insurance and property tax as opposed to several thousand per year for rent makes no sense either.

Eliminate house repairs
This is a what if futuristic problem based on the act of not trusting that I will be provided the help I need for whatever problems might come up. I have handled every single challenge that has risen so far so not believing in me and my ability to survive is not a very positive approach. Not trusting also might piss off God/Source just a little bit.

To be closer to the things & people in my life
This is the most ridicules reason yet. I live in a small town and I can get anywhere I need to go in ten minutes or less. That’s of course, unless the roads are covered with ice. I also live two doors from the most important person in my life, my young grandson.

More freedom
Actually owning a house gives me more freedom than renting ever could. I can do as I please and I account to nobody else.

Which is the bigger risk selling or staying put?
Taking these and other facts I have weighed into consideration I believe the bigger risk is selling what I have and renting problems that belong to someone else.

A real estate lady is coming this afternoon to give me an approximate value on my house/property. I doubt that it is going to be a figure that would inspire me to sell, but it is a number I need to know. In preparation for her visit I spent some time cleaning and repairing little things that I had previously ignored. In the process I looked around as I finished each room and really took in what the universe has given me. My thoughts changed as I began to see with grateful eyes that I do deserve everything I have.

Comparison works

2012-01-20T15:34:00.000-08:00

Decision making is sometimes made easier when the universe gives you something to compare what you have with what you might have. Today I was given the gift of comparison.

Trying to decide whether to sell my mobile home or move into an apartment has been weighing on my mind lately. Today I went to see an apartment that I felt was in a price range that I could afford. I took one step inside and silently uttered, "I don't deserve this!" It was like a tiny cracker box and I could not imagine being able to fit even a small portion of my furniture inside and still have room to move around. The kitchen was about a third the size of what I have (I love to cook) and I couldn't figure out where I would put my dinning room table. Actually the living room was about the size of my current dinning room.

I have worked my butt off for almost 13 years to have the nice things that I have and do my best to take care of them. No way am I going to dump them to move into a box. Yuck! My decision is to stay where I am because I am the one who has made it a comfortable home. I believe if it is in line with God/Source I will somehow be provided with what I need to continue to take care of what is mine.

Another interesting comparison happened today regarding the writer's group I started last November. Our local paper has been good about putting the notices that I send them in the community section, but that is as far as they have gone toward publicity. Since I wrote for this paper as a columnist it has upset me a little- okay a lot. This afternoon I was informed that I will be interviewed by a neighboring large town newspaper about our group next week. Since we are trying to attract new members this information is making me very happy.

In celebration I am going out for Chinese tonight to a favorite restaurant. I tried out another one recently that a friend suggested just to compare what they had to offer. As with my house I am sticking with what makes me the happiest. Thank you universe for the chance to compare.

Of course, I do realize the universe could still throw something unknown to me at the present time into the mix to change my mind!

Decisions decisions

2012-01-18T11:29:00.000-08:00

For the last few years I have been toying with the idea of selling my double wide mobile home. This idea always pops up following an unexpected repair bill, and there have been many since I acquired singular responsibility for my house and property in 1999. The time has come to make a serious decision.

I was just told that a man I know is buying trailers, fixing them up and renting them. This person has an honest reputation and I would have no problem dealing with him. My house plus an addition sits on 1/2 acre of land and has 1,747 sq feet of living space. Although it is 36 years old it is in good shape for its age. I am very aware that the offering price would not be as much as I would like.

The big thing is, am I really ready to sell and move to an apartment? This question became serious when I found out there was a possibility of actually selling it. Before that it was just an interesting thought that came up now and then. I am trying to decide what my first step is. Do I talk to the man first or do I check out apartments to see if I would be happy living in one?

Scratching both of those for the time being I decided to make a pro and con list of moving to an apartment. The pro list was almost twice as long as the con one, which shouldn’t have been much of a surprise I guess.

Basically, selling and moving to an apartment would reduce my stress about keeping what I have in constant repair and in many ways give me more freedom. If I chose to stay where I am I would be holding onto something that is too big, too much work and too expensive to maintain.

What it boils down to is fear of letting go of something familiar versus taking a chance on something unknown. Owning a house/property does give me a feeling of security, but what if something major happens like needing a new roof or furnace? No way would I be able to handle that kind of expense on my fixed income. I know from experience that plumbers, electricians and so forth are not cheap today. If I rented an apartment problems like that would belong to someone else.

One more question just popped up. If I happen to win the NM lottery and have plenty of money would my pro con list remain the same? Maybe or maybe not.

I’m still making the decision of what step to take next, but my intuition is saying, “If you have a way out take the opportunity and do it.”

Happy Birthday

2012-01-16T12:57:00.000-08:00

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day and a good portion of people, especially in the U.S., are taking the time to recognize a great man who fought for peace and equality in his own way. Just as Jesus who came before him, he didn’t carry a weapon. He simply stood up for what he believed in and led others to believe that anything is possible when you have a dream.

Every once in a while a man like this is created and the world celebrates his life long after he is no longer here. Others pick up the pieces and began walking in the same direction. Perhaps they will never have the notoriety, but that does not mean that their efforts are any less valuable to mankind.

I believe every little bit we all do to promote peace, love and equality is important. So what if your picture will never be on a postage stamp or your birthday will only be celebrated by your family and friends. Think about all the people you have an opportunity to touch each day with your words and actions. It matters, so just keep doing what you are doing anyway!

Happy Birthday Mr.King you did a good job!

Afraid to live

2012-01-14T06:52:00.000-08:00

Lately I have become aware that fear is something that is interfering with my life and I decided to track down its roots as quickly as possible so that I can be done with it once and for all.

Until I began investigating I believed it was something that had cropped up in recent years. I couldn’t have been more wrong. It has been a problem all of my life and I wanted to know how this could have happened. What started the whole thing? Surely we are not born with the fear that terrible things may happen to us as we stroll along our journey. I was determined to know when this unreasonable fear of living my life began. There had to have been some kind of serious trauma and I realized it may not even include a conscious memory.

The best place to begin is in the beginning. My parents were married in June and I was born in December of the same year. Math has never been my strong point, but I can count higher than 9. My dear mother claimed I was premature until the day she died at 75. As an adult I sent for my birth certificate and clearly read the words full term birth. Even though I read the words I am not certain that my conscious mind grasped their meaning. After all, my mother, who was there at the time of my conception and delivery, should know the truth shouldn’t she?

From then on I blamed her for lying, which caused me to think less of her. I’m sure she had good reasons; including her own fear of finding out she was pregnant and not married. This fear was quite possibly passed on to me, even before my birth. If I knew then what I know now I would have realized it didn’t matter that she lied, because that was her problem. What mattered is that I believed her, until I saw the truth in writing. By then it had already done years of damage to my self-esteem.

The word premature to me means: weak, not ready, incomplete or flawed in some way. Added to this was the fact that when I was four months old she got pregnant again and my brother was born 9 months later. As a small child I could have interpreted that to mean that I wasn’t good enough and she needed to try again. Admittedly, I’m just guessing here. I have good reason to believe from the way she mothered both of us that she never intended to be a mother at all. We don’t always get what we want in life!

I believe I have found the root of my fear, now to pull it out and start over. I am not the person I was led to believe that I was. In recent years I have proved to myself and to the world that I am in no way weak, incomplete or flawed. There is no longer a need to hold on to a bold faced lie told by my mother to cover up her fear.

Believe it or not

2012-01-13T11:34:00.000-08:00

Since today is the first Friday the 13th in 2012 I decided to do a little search and find out the origin of all the fuss.

Bet you didn't know it is technically "Friggatriskaidekaphobia" (whew that was a mouth full)! Frigga is the name of the Norse goddess for whom Friday is named and triskaidekaphobia means the fear of #13.

What's so bad about #13 you might ask?

At the Last Supper there were 13 attendants. Judas, who later betrayed Jesus, sat at the 13th place is one explanation.
Apollo 13 is the only unsuccessful mission to attempt to land on the moon.
Traditionally, 13 is the number of steps leading to a gallows.
In numerology 12 is considered the number of completion and 13 disturbs the balance.
Witches gathered in groups of 12 and it is said the devil would appear as #13.

In some traditions 13 is actually a lucky number.

In Judaism it is the age a boy achieves Bar Mitzvah.
There were 13 original colonies in the United States.
God has 13 attributes of Mercy.
In Hinduism the 13th day following a death is the day a memorial feast is held for the peace of the departed.

What it all boils down to is you can choose to believe that Friday the 13th is unlucky or lucky. I think if you are still here on the 14th you might tend to believe in its luck!

On writing

2012-01-11T09:47:00.000-08:00

I thought it would be fun to see what writers had to say about writing.

F. Scott Fitzgerald
The reason one writes isn’t the fact that he wants to say something. He writes because he has something to say.

Judy Collins
I don’t think you get to good writing unless you express yourself and your feelings. Deep songs don’t come from the surface; they com from the deep down. The poetry and songs that you are supposed to write, I believe are in your heart.

Gloria Steinem
Writing is the only thing that when I do it, I don’t feel I should be doing something else.

Charlotte Bronte
I am neither a man nor a woman, but an author.

Truman Capote
Writing has laws of perspective, of light and shade just as painting does or music. If you are born knowing them, fine, if not learn them. Then rearrange the rules to suit yourself.

Walter Cronkite
Objective journalism and an opinion column are about as alike as the Bible and Playboy magazine.

Will Rogers
In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write, but evidently can’t read. If they could read their stuff they’d stop writing.

Jules Renard
Writing is the best way to talk without being interrupted.

V.S. Naipaul
I have trusted to intuition. I did it at the beginning. I do it even now. I have no idea how things might turn out, where in my writing I might go next.

David Ben Gurion
Anyone who believes you can’t change history has never tried to write his memoirs.

Hate

2012-01-09T09:50:00.000-08:00

The next challenge for our writing group is "hate" and since my piece is finished I thought I would try it out on my blog audience. So here it goes comments welcome and appreciated!

Hate
Hate is such an ugly word, but it is after all only a word. It is the feeling behind the word that gets us in trouble. I distinctly remember shouting, “I hate her” when complaining to my grandmother about a former classmate. I was a teenager riding in the back seat of her car at the time. She immediately turned around and quietly said, “You don’t hate anyone”.

That simple response has stuck in my mind my whole life. I try not to use the word at all although occasionally it pops out. For instance my recent utterance, “I hate this snow”, was the result of not looking past the icy roads that kept me a prisoner to appreciate the pristine beauty it left.

According to Webster hate is “having a strong dislike or ill will toward a person or thing”. My definition of hate is a person who is unwilling to open their mind and heart to something beyond what is normal for them. For me the word hate especially brings up the word prejudice. That word quickly moves on to race, color, religion, economic status and anything else that categorizes a person or group of people. Hate has started many wars between people and nations because people cannot accept each other as is.

I feel very fortunate to have grown up without hate as a daily experience. The people around me come from all walks of life, some are rich some poor, some are black some white and every color in between; some are religious and some spiritual. I am grateful for the opportunity I have been given to learn from each one. They have all brought something different to my normal life and provided opportunities for me to evolve.

I do not consider any entity below or above me and so there is no reason to hate or be jealous of what anyone else has. We all came from the same source with our very own guidance system. To my knowledge we are all going back to whence we came when we are finished walking our path on this planet called earth.

Of course, there is that occasional person who expresses hate/dislike toward me. Others sometimes don’t like what I say, think or do. When that happens I have two choices. I can buy into what they believe causing even more hate, or simply ignore them; realizing that it is after all, their problem not mine. I don’t mean to give the impression that I have never expressed anger at someone’s behavior, but temporary anger is a long way from hate. While still in the infant stage it can be dealt with by communicating, providing both parties are willing to listen and be heard. Hate is a learned behavior and it can be unlearned.

Apparently my grandmother did a very good job with me in her simple response to my hateful behavior way back then by responding, “You don’t hate anyone”. Thanks Nana you did good!

An angel's view

2012-01-07T09:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I found the following post on my Facebook newsfeed. Something about it got my attention and I re-posted it for whoever else it was meant for.

If you have taken a minute to read this... The angels have seen YOU struggling with something. The angels say it’s over. A blessing is coming your way. If you believe in angels send this message on, please don't ignore it. The angels are going to fix two things (BIG) in your favor. If you believe in angels drop everything and re-post.

I do believe in angel help, but I also believe that they have a different view of our struggles than we humans here on earth do. The suggestion was that the angels would fix two big things that I have been struggling with. I began to think about what they might be.

My biggest struggle, which has followed me all of my life is fear. I can’t seem to trust that all is well and everything is going to turn out alright. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop when something negative happens. It is as if I just can’t allow myself to relax and enjoy my life. I think I need to get out of my own way and let things happen. I am quite aware that the wall I put up is keeping the things I truly want away, but I do not know how to let go of this fear of being happy, healthy and healed. If I were the angel in charge this would be my first fixer upper. Are you listening up there?

There are two other challenges that I have been struggling with for several years and they seem to be connected, probably even to the first. I have been living my life alone since 1999 and looking for a mate. Some people might use the term companion. Perhaps I am too picky, but I have a very specific individual in mind. He must be kind hearted, honest, spiritually accepting, have a great sense of humor, be healthy in mind and body and most of all be able to see the person inside. There have been a couple of men who have come close over the years, but close isn’t what I want.

The third struggle is money. Wow I am really tired of trying to live on an income below the poverty level. It isn’t that I can’t because I have surely proved that I can. I have met every challenge that the universe has presented and survived. Enough already! While there is still time I want to travel and meet new people and see new things. For once I want to not have to worry about the numbers on the right side of a menu. Even if I had money it would not be my style to waste it, but until I get it I can’t prove that to myself or anyone else.

I clearly see that the last two could easily become one and meet my second struggle that the angels also see. Since I don’t have the view of an angel I will just have to wait to find out the end of this story. In the meantime I will continue to believe in angelic help and happy endings.

It feels good to give

2012-01-06T09:45:00.000-08:00

A couple of days ago I was the only person in line behind a young woman who was counting her change to pay for her purchase. She didn't have enough money. I could feel her pain and embarrassment. Without thinking I asked the clerk how much she needed, which was a little over a dollar. I handed her a five dollar bill and said take it out of this. The young woman gratefully thanked me and I said, Happy New Year!

After she left the clerk told me I was a very kind person. We briefly discussed that what you do for others comes back to you. She related the fact that she had once found a wallet outside a casino containing $2,000 dollars and turned it in. Four days later she won over $4,000.

The clerk's story briefly made me wonder if I would be repaid for this and many other times I have felt a person's pain and responded. Then I decided it didn't matter because I didn't do it for a reward. I did it because it feels really good to give.

I remember a wonderful opportunity I had several years ago to help someone and it brought back a warm feeling to my heart. A friend and I were having lunch at a local restaurant. We were served by a very good waiter who shared that he and his wife were going through some hard times through no fault of their own and he had lost faith in humanity. Again I felt his pain. I had just come from the bank and had an unusual amount of cash in my purse. I took an envelope and placed bills in it, not questioning what I was doing. I handed it to him as we left. When we reached the door of the restaurant we heard a loud whoop and he rushed towards me with a grateful hug. He had just received the biggest tip he will no doubt ever get from a customer. I still am not sure why I did what I did, but the memory still feels really good.

Last week a man knocked on my door shortly after dark. Our roads were ice packed and he appeared to be walking. He said he had just gotten off work. In his hand he held a jar with a photo of a baby he said was his godson. The baby was in the heart hospital and the man said he was trying to collect money to help the parents. Although it was a strange situation to occur at night I hesitated only for a moment before contributing a small amount to his cause. In sharing the story with others and asking what they would have done I was surprised at the reaction of some. One in particular said to call the police and report the man because she suspected it was a scam. Another said it only mattered that I followed my heart and if it was a scam it was the man's problem to deal with. Even though I had never met the man before I saw no reason not to believe him and I am happy that I followed my intuition.

A couple days after this happened my car suddenly started overheating and I immediately stopped at Delta Tires, which is run by a good friend. My car was checked and it was determined I needed a new alternator. Obviously a tire store does not usually deal with other problems a car might have. In this case the owner had one of his employees put in a new part. I was out of there in a couple of hours and the bill was very reasonable. I choose to believe the kindness I showed to others recently had a lot to do with the outcome.

Today I'm splitting some bread crumbs between the birds in my yard and my feathered friends at the Riverwalk and dropping off some cookies at our local mission. giving doesn't have to be limited to money.

It really doesn't take a lot to help someone in need. I intend to keep doing what I am doing because giving feels really good.

What is normal?

2012-01-04T13:58:00.000-08:00

On this 4th day of January things seem to be getting back to normal whatever that is. The kids are finally back in school where they belong during the week. Most of the roads are now free of snow and ice from our holiday storms. People are slowly moving into their familiar patterns of everyday life.

For the first time since Christmas I went to the family center to walk and use the fitness room. I thought it would be hard to go back, but it felt really good to be moving around. I also visited my chiropractor to get my body back in shape and deal with the stress the snow and holidays brought to me. That also felt good.

Tomorrow my writing group resumes meeting every other week. I made phone calls yesterday to remind the members since it had been three weeks since our last meeting. It looks as if we are all in sinc and I am anxious for the group to move forward with new ideas, possibly picking up some new members. We all left with the writing challenge: humorous resolutions. I can't wait to see how uniquely different the offerings will be.

After checking out some of the 2012 videos my friends have suggested I begin this new year with a different perspective than last year. I am aware that this is going to be a special year, especially for those who are interested in their own evolvement. I hope to be more open to the ways that I can be loving, not only to others, but to myself.

I have a feeling that whatever was normal at this time last year is not going to be true this year. I certainly hope that after all the work I have done on myself I have moved more than a few steps forward.

Last chance to speak out

2011-12-31T09:34:00.000-08:00

Ever notice how the time flies by when you are having fun and how it drags when you have allowed anger and negative energy into your life? This year has flown by and I note today is my last chance to speak out before 2012 rolls in. Since I never miss an opportunity to speak here goes!

This morning I was thinking back to the last time I actually celebrated a New Years Eve. I believe it was 1972. The path since then has provided many interesting experiences for my growth and evolvement. Some of them were opportunities to learn the hard way what not to do in the future. I didn't always learn the lesson offered the first time so there were many repeat performances. It is very fortunate for me that God/Source is a patient entity.

The most outstanding New Years Eve was 1999. I didn't go anywhere, but my oldest son came to spend the weekend with me. I believe I even went to bed before midnight and left him to watch the ball drop on TV. Many people had been convinced that terrible things were going to happen on that night. I knew a man who ran a convenience store and also had a rather disturbed mind. At the time I counted him as a friend. That was one of my long hard learned lessons. For months this person enjoyed attempting to instill fear about what was going to happen to his customers. I refused to buy what he was promoting and I do believe it made him angry. It was through him I began to learn to rise above the crap and think for myself!

Sliding from one year into the next is not really a big deal in my book. A new year is simply a way to keep track of events. Although I won't be celebrating tonight and most likely will not stay up to witness the ball drop in New York I do send my sincere wishes for a year of peace, love and personal fulfillment for everyone reading my words.

That's all I have to say except Happy New Year!

Angel communication

2011-12-30T11:04:00.000-08:00

Last night I watched the youtube video 2012-The Sacred Union. Messages from Archangel Michael were said to be channeled through Ana Jones, an angel medium. When my awakening journey first began my opinion of such a thing would probably have been- yeah right there is no such thing as angel communication.

I have learned a lot since then, mostly through personal experience, and although I still question new concepts I believe a whole lot more than I did in 1999. Anyone who has read my published works will attest to the fact that I have had some very unusual angel experiences. Angels, spirit guides and yes even Archangels have made themselves known to me, especially when I have directly asked for their assistance. Although I do not see them or hear their voices in the same way I would hear a human voice I know they are present.

As this hour long video began I picked up a pad and pen and began taking notes. I not only listened to the words being channeled from Archangel Michael, but I observed the manner in which the medium was receiving them. I saw no reason not to believe what I was hearing.

It began by explaining the very large cycle of time (millions of years) that will be coming to an end in 2012. The fact that the end is not the end but the beginning was stressed. We will be entering into a new cycle of healing where the universal soul and individual souls will truly become one. This will create a conscious union with the Divine Source/the light.

Listeners were advised to focus on their own soul, their inner light, and to learn to control their own mind. Everything will be amplified including our thoughts. Evolution is speeding up and there is no way to measure it. Another golden age is coming and all will explain and feel it differently. We are advised to explore the differences and oneness and honor them for it will bring healing through love and respect. Open yourself up to intuition awaken and remember.

I think the most important message was that it all begins with you. Respect yourself and do not give your power over to anyone. There is a union coming creating oneness with the body, mind, heart and soul.

I don’t think it matters if anyone believes that the messages in this video came from the Archangel Michael or not. They came from an entity much more enlightened than a human being. Why not an angel trying to communicate?

Egoless?

2011-12-29T07:40:00.000-08:00

As trouble making as an ego can be, “only an ego will try to get rid of an ego.” What a great quote. When you try to get rid of anything negative you are consciously enhancing it. You are giving it fuel.

An ego isn’t even real. It is an accumulation of society’s rules and what others have thought of you, from birth to your present state of confusion. It is energy that attaches itself to form and gets bigger and bigger until you believe that is who you are. You can never get rid of the ego you just have to learn to rise above it.

When you really look in your mirror and see the real you apart from everything else you will find your true center. You will feel the pristine goodness that was present before you were born into this body and is eternal. Your soul needs “no… thing” to make it work, as Rev. Mary M. Morrissey said many years ago.

Consciously connecting with your soul frees you from having to fit in to anyone’s idea of who you are and what you are supposed to do with your life. When you tune in to that guidance you are listening to your personal GPS. It is on the same frequency as Source and it is never going to steer you in the wrong direction.

At this time of year when people are thinking of ways to make their lives better I have a simple suggestion. Before responding or making decisions simply ask yourself- is this ego based or soul based? Good luck with that and Happy New Year!

A harrowing experience

2011-12-27T19:50:00.000-08:00

For six days I hadn’t driven into town because of snow packed road conditions. About noon I decided to make a trip to the grocery store. I was assured by a person who works in town that the road I needed to take had thawed from the last snow storm and was drivable.

As I turned the corner to the road all I could see was a white sheet of fresh ice. Apparently the road had thawed the day before, but because it got so cold last night the water left behind froze again. There was absolutely nothing I could do except take a deep breath grip the steering wheel and drive slow. My trip was about two miles, but it seemed like fifty. I dreaded each stop sign and pretty much ignored them after making sure nothing was coming from either direction.

By the time I arrived safely at the store my back and neck were stiff from the stressful situation I had endured. I don’t think I have ever been so scared. As I sat in my car trying to relax I didn’t know how I was going to get back home again.

The first person I saw inside the store was my son-in-law who works there. I stopped to talk to him about my ordeal and began to feel a little better. Although he sympathized with my situation there was obviously nothing he could do to help me. Even in his pickup he said he had trouble getting to work.

I spent as much time in the store as possible before returning to my car. Maybe I was hoping an angel would wave a magic wand and make the ice just go away while I was shopping. Dream on!

As I pulled out of the parking lot I paused for a minute dreading the thought of driving back over that ice covered road just waiting for an accident to happen. Following my intuition I turned right instead of left and decided to take another route home. I didn’t know what I would find, but decided anything had to be better than going back the same way I had come.

I found myself repeating over and over, “guide me to a safe way home”.

Although the roads I was led to take had some snow none were snow packed or icy. Before long I was on a main road that had been plowed. Getting home from there was a straight shot. I was very grateful for my unseen guide.

I later called my son-in-law and passed on the information of a safer route home when he got off work.

The big C is here

2011-12-25T09:41:00.000-08:00

The big day finally arrived- Christmas is here!

This morning I spent some time thinking about that first Christmas so very long ago; about the mother who gave birth in a stable. In some ways I don't think that birth was anymore special than the birth of any other child since that night. We all came from the same source and that pretty much makes us brothers and sisters. I also believe we all have a mission to spread the love of our Creator. We all posses unique tools and a path to accomplish that mission. Some souls just become a little more elevated than others because that's the way it was meant to be.

Probably the tradition of gifts originated with the three wise men bringing their simple offerings of gold, frankincense and myrrh. In today's world the gifts have gotten way out of hand, in my opinion at least. It makes me very sad to see what is piled under the trees when so many would be grateful for a simple meal or a warm place to sleep. I wish I had lived in the days of old when gifts were all hand made with love.

As I look out on my driveway still covered with a foot of snow everything is beautiful and peaceful. The untouched snow is sparkling from the light reflected by the sun. It is going to be a quiet day of reflection for me. Perhaps it will be a day of focusing on what I can personally do to make 2012 a more loving positive year.

Seven more days and it all begins again. It has been a traumatic year of devastation for so many and if the people of the world have not learned their lessons there will be more to come. I hope that I will live long enough on this planet called earth to see the positive changes that are possible when love becomes the mantra to live by.

My snow bound adventure

2011-12-24T13:30:00.000-08:00

On the day before Christmas I am still snug in my warm house unable to travel further than I can walk. Yesterday morning I dug a path for my grandson, Colin to get from the street to my house. He's only 4 feet tall and the snow is about 2 feet deep. This time it was very dry and powdery so it didn't take as much effort to remove it. It did finally stop snowing, but the roads were in such terrible shape I called my dinner guests and postponed our plans until Monday. There was a huge sigh of relief on the other end of the phone line. I would have felt terrible if anyone had been in an accident just coming to dinner.

Colin had been one of the invited guests and he still wanted to have dinner with me. He was dropped off at my house and that is exactly what he did. We had our very own pre-Christmas dinner served on TV trays while watching cartoons. It wasn't what I had planned to eat, but he was happy with ham, shell macaroni & cheese and Italian green beans. I almost forgot cookies and cream ice cream for dessert. He's coming back on Monday for the vegetarian chile etc.

Around 10:00 AM this morning I heard footsteps on the porch and knew it was Colin, coming to pick up his Christmas gift and others for his family. He already knows what his gift is as he helped pick it out. It's a Lego Alien Star Wars kit. I'd be willing to bet he isn't going to wait until tonight to open the box.

He made a second trip back to my house to bring me my gift, which he made himself. He insisted I open it now. It is a set of painted plaster stepping stones for my yard. I believe I'm going to have to wait awhile before placing them though. I love getting things from him that he has made. Below is a view of my gift.

In a little while I am going to pop a small marinated pork roast in the oven for my dinner. The marinade is one I usually use on a 3-4 lb pork loin and I want to share it with you because it makes the meat juicy and just yummy.

mix together
1/2 c. orange or apple juice
1/2 c. soy sauce
1 tsp. dry mustard
1 tsp basil
1/2 tsp onion powder
(place meat & marinade in a plastic bag and let sit in refrigerator for at least 2 hours or longer) I usually do it overnight.

P.S.
I expected to have a quiet Christmas Eve by myself, but it didn't work out that way. Colin ended up at my house while his mother went shopping. Together we shared the delicious roast I had been cooking. He told his mother it was really good so I made her a plate for him to take home.

I wish you all a safe and peaceful holiday. Merry Christmas to all my readers!

Our best laid plans...

2011-12-23T07:00:00.000-08:00

Not thinking about snow didn't help much. It snowed from about noon to midnight yesterday and this is the view from my front door this morning. It doesn't look very inviting to the guests I have invited for dinner tonight. The icicles look menacing and the shrub bent over by the new snow is blocking the steps to the entrance. We probably have as much snow as we did before the roads were plowed a few days ago. Now what am I supposed to do?

Yesterday I heard a quote that pretty much sums up my situation this morning. It was stress happens when things don't go the way we expect them to.

The way I see it is that I have two choices either accept what is or get upset about it. I am going with the flow.

Unless a miracle happens and the roads and my driveway are cleared (melted) today I will not be having my little get together this evening. It is sad because it was going to be a replacement for Christmas eve and day, when I no doubt will be home alone with my two kitties.

Yesterday I baked the cake for desert and the New Mexico corn bread. Today I have no choice but to put the ingredients for the vegetarian chili in the crock pot because I had already cut up the raw vegetables that are part of the recipe, before the snow came. I see two possibilities here. Either the party can be postponed until Monday or my freezer is going to be full of yet to be consumed food. Either way nothing will go to waste.

This is my life in little old Grants, New Mexico on this December 23, 2011. It is what it is and there isn't much I can do to change it. Our best laid plans are quite often screwed up at the last minute. Is this a test?

No more snow please!

2011-12-22T12:01:00.000-08:00

In my little town in western New Mexico we don’t get a whole lot of snow. We almost never see a white Christmas, even though Grants lies at the base of Mt. Taylor. This year the powers that be are trying their best to rectify that situation.

Five days before Christmas Eve we had between 1 to 2 feet of the white stuff deposited everywhere. If that doesn’t make all those young souls wishing for a white Christmas happy I don’t know what will. One good thing about snow coming this week is the kids are already out of school for Christmas break so they won’t have snow days to make up later in the year. That should make the teachers happy too.

For me I am very glad I listened to the weather man and his predictions. I stocked up on things one wouldn’t want to be without when forced to stay home. In my case it was cat food, water and toilet paper. Fortunately there is plenty to eat in my freezer and pantry. It may not be my first choice under ordinary circumstances, but sometimes you just have to do what you have to do.

Driving on ice is something I avoid at all cost. My little Hyundai Accent and icy road conditions combined with a nervous driver loudly proclaim stay home! I do my best to comply.

Monday night just as I was thinking about how I was going to remove the foot of snow covering my driveway I heard a loud motor noise outside. It sounded like someone was driving a four wheeler back and forth under my window. My reaction was that’s pretty stupid it’s dark out there. What kind of a jerk would do such a thing I wondered as I opened my blinds to check it out?

I couldn’t believe my eyes as I caught sight of my son-in-law on a small snow plow and my grandson joyously riding on the back waving to me. They were plowing the snow in my driveway. I’ve heard about immediate answers to requests, but that was something for a book listing miracles. I later told him that was my Christmas present. In addition to this miracle someone else plowed all the streets in the vicinity of my house the next morning. I have lived here since 1980 and nobody has ever done that before. Our streets are always the last to thaw, making it difficult to get into town

The best thing about this unexpected white surprise is that my young grandson was at my house for two days while his parents were at work. He helped me clear a path to my front door and had a ball making footprints all over my white front yard. It’s like he was announcing to the world, “I was here!” Yesterday he was invited to go with a friend to go tubing on Mt. Taylor. He was overjoyed to say the least.

Christmas Eve is two days off and we have another wave of the storm predicted for today. I’m trying not to panic as I have guests invited for dinner tomorrow night. I’m going ahead with my plans as if I didn’t know the storm was expected. Maybe if I don’t think about it the snow will drop somewhere else and leave us alone.

What is that I see out my window? No it’s snow!!

Who needs resolutions?

2011-12-20T11:20:00.000-08:00

In all of my long life I don’t recall ever making a formal New Years resolution, kept or unkept. I don’t think I have missed anything. I tend to do things to suit myself not to follow a trend set by the rest of the world. I have made many life changing decisions, but I wouldn’t exactly call them resolutions. I think they are more the result of inheriting very stubborn, one might even call them, controlling genes.

To start with I have removed two husbands and their life long negative addictions from my life. Twelve years ago I ended a 40 year addiction of my own to nicotine. I mistakenly thought cigarettes were my best friend until I woke up. Who in the world wants a best friend who is 3 inches tall, smells bad and can lead to serious health problems and even death? That took a little more then resolution. It took determination and a desire to care about myself and live a healthier life.

I think desiring to live a better life is at the root of any resolution. It simply requires a really good mirror to see your life in a different light. Next you need to become a surgeon and skillfully play the game of operation, carefully plucking out any offending debris that is causing you to live an unhappy life. Whether a person or a thing, you need to stop dragging it around as if it were an anchor, because it really is. Just think how much lighter your load would be just carrying yourself around. Maybe there would be no need to go on that diet you were planning.

My latest thing, okay just once I’ll call it a resolution, is to shed any remaining negative energy that is holding me back. I’ve been working on that one for several years I just didn’t know until recently that it was my entire life goal. You see the mirror I had been using had become a bit fogged up from other people breathing on it. I was given a new one recently and the view is now very clear. Perhaps I was right all along, resolutions are not for me. All I ever needed was a better mirror.

A new tradition

2011-12-18T06:48:00.000-08:00

Christmas for most people is a week away. Many houses will have living room floors covered with colored paper and bows purchased to be torn off packages and tossed in the trash. In addition there are trees that will also be disposed of. What a strange and wasteful tradition that is. I am opting for dispensing of it all in favor of a less dramatic get together say on Friday December 23.

School is out and everything will be closing down toward the end of the week. Most people, including my own family will be focusing on their big day, falling on Sunday this year. I wouldn't want to interfere with their plans as they have earned the right to do as they wish. I thought and thought of how I could have a quiet celebration of my own without interfering with plans that I am not part of.

My thinking produced the following: I gave them all Christmas cards yesterday with an invitation to come to my house on December 23 for an informal pre-Christmas dinner. I have one gift for everyone. I also will be serving a healthy meal of vegetarian chili with mini fusilli, a simple fruit salad, cornmeal muffins and for dessert a chocolate cake to celebrate the 51st birthday of my oldest son, currently working in Kuwait.

That should about do it for my plans. If it works out I just might continue it as a new tradition. Instead of Christmas I am going to call it Family Appreciation Day.

Just let it go

2011-12-17T07:24:00.000-08:00

I am so excited about the way my writing group is developing. After all this time it looks like I have finally learned to just let something happen of its own accord, without setting rules or anticipating how it should happen. In other words just let it go.

Our group added three new members this week, all sharing their unique interest in writing based on their own life experiences. We don't even have a name for our group and that may never happen. We all posses a love of words and what can be done with them. It is so interesting to see how that simple fact is shared by each person.

The only rule I am going to insist on for the group is respect. It is the only rule I had when I started my children's group last year. When someone is speaking or presenting their work listen. If you have feedback on what they have offered make it positive not negative. We are gathered to help and inspire not hurt and destroy.

I can see that this group is a learning tool for me. It is my MO to make lists, be prepared and see the end result before beginning anything. On the giant screen of life I can now see that this writing group just needed my original idea of inviting people with a common interest to join together in the same place at the same time. All I really had to do was provide the tools to allow that to happen. Now all I have to do is let go and let it be.

Charity a gift of love

2011-12-14T09:44:00.000-08:00

Several years ago when my grandson was just a little guy I spent Christmas Eve at my daughter’s house. There was food and gifts exchanged, but I went home without feeling the spirit of Christmas. I went to bed that night and prayed that Christmas day would bring what was missing. The following is an excerpt from my second book, A Gathering of Spirit.

On Christmas morning after eating breakfast I cleaned things up a little for whoever would be coming later in the day. After preparing the roast to marinate I decided to take a little time for myself. I had a few slices of bread that I wanted to get rid of and decided to take them to the park to give the birds a treat. It was a very cold and clear morning.

As I began tossing out the breadcrumbs I noticed a young man sitting on a park bench. My immediate reaction was that he was homeless and probably cold and hungry. I thought, maybe I should ask him to have dinner with us. My second thought was that in this day and age maybe that was not very smart.

I continued to feed the birds and as I was leaving the park I couldn’t stop thinking about the young man on the bench. As I started my car I made a decision to try to find some place that was open to get him something hot to drink. I began to drive down the near empty main street.

My mission was accomplished when I purchased cappuccino and pastry from a convenience store in the neighborhood. I noted that the total came to $2.01 and probably was not a coincidence. The biblical quote, “What you do unto the least of my brethren you do unto me” ran through my mind.

Returning to the bench I approached the young man, who was wearing a backpack and appeared to be well kept for a homeless person. I asked if he wanted something hot to drink and he said he did. After setting my offering on the bench I wished him a Merry Christmas and he returned the greeting.

A nearby church would soon be having services and I felt that he could find help there if he needed to. After all it was Christmas day!

As I was driving home I recalled reading a story about a minister who had dressed in rags and placed himself outside his church just prior to services. He wanted to see what his congregation would do. They walked right by him. When it was time for the service to begin, the minister still in rags went down the center aisle to the pulpit and used the experience to wake up his congregation.

The life story belonging to the young man on the bench is not for me to know. I believe our meeting was meant to be. I am very happy with the decision I made and I have a feeling that whoever was watching was too. I found what was missing from Christmas by simply following my heart.

Charity to be fruitful must cost us. …to love, it is necessary to give; to give it is necessary to be free of selfishness. ~ Mother Teresa

Faith, hope and charity; the greatest of these is charity. Charity means love.

Did I do that?

2011-12-13T11:15:00.000-08:00

I had an interesting experience this morning that could be considered a miracle. It left me asking myself, "did I do that?"

For several weeks I had been unable to get a dial tone on the phone I use for my office. At first I assumed it was the phone so I purchased a new one. That wasn't the problem. Then I tested the phone cords. That wasn't the problem. I finally decided there was something wrong with the phone jack. I thought it might be dirty so I cleaned it with a small brush. I still had no dial tone on the phone.

I came to the conclusion that I would have to make an appointment for a service call, but I was in no hurry to spend the extra money. The phone in my living room has a long cord so when I was in my office I moved that phone close enough to hear it ring. It was a bit of a nuisance, but at least I didn't miss any calls, providing I remembered to move the phone.

This morning a strong something told me to plug the office phone into the "wounded" phone jack one more time. First I blew on the jack just in case there was dust in it then I literally said, "I invite a miracle to happen". I picked up the receiver and yes I had a dial tone. At first I didn't believe it and expected it to stop working at any moment. Eventually I began to trust, but wondered what had happened.

About fifteen minutes later the phone rang. It startled me as I hadn't had a phone in my office for weeks. The man on the other end of the line was calling for information about the writing group I recently started. I knew who he was and after talking to him I also knew he would fit into our group very nicely.

I am still in awe of the new phone connection. It caused me to look up Mercury. I found that today it is moving out of retrograde, where it has been since November 24th. Is it possible that is what happened? Looking back over the days since Thanksgiving I saw that it has not been a very pleasant time for me. I have been having communication problems as well as other problems that could be attributed to Mercury's behavior.

There is also the eclipse that happened a few days ago on December 10th. It signaled a big change for me, especially in my attitude. I had read that what you focus on for three days before and three days after the eclipse will make a huge difference in what happens in your life. I decided to focus on love and good health, not consciously thinking much more about it. I even sent daily love and light to a person who has refused communication for over a year. Suddenly I began to feel lighter and stopped worrying about my health. It felt like a huge amount of negative energy had been lifted.

Taking all this into consideration I do still wonder if the planets caused my improved reception or did I do that with my change of focus and simple faith of inviting a miracle to happen?

A Mirror Image

2011-12-10T10:00:00.000-08:00

I have heard that when you encounter a person that you have a problem with they are reflecting something that you need to work on in your own life. In contemplating that thought this morning I finally got it. A Mirror image!

I started making a list of those people who have passed through my life and have left for one reason or another. I was feeling very sad about the loss of some of them until I realized what they all have in common. They are negative controlling souls who have a serious need to be in charge of everything in their environment. Why didn't I see that before?

The fact that they are no longer in my life is not a bad thing it is a very good thing warranting a major celebration. It means that I have moved up the spiritual ladder and am no longer attracting these kinds of people.

The people who I am now attracting are loving, kind, compassionate souls whose entire being is about sharing love. When I look in my mirror I no longer see a negative controlling person who has a need to control her environment. I rather like the new mirror image that I see looking back at me.

A Christmas Gift

2011-12-09T10:58:00.000-08:00

I missed being a Christmas gift for my parents by a mere three weeks, but at least I was responsible for my mother losing some weight before the big day. Hey thoughtful me I even came in the morning so I wouldn’t interfere with her lunch!

My first born began announcing his arrival very early on Christmas morning. I always told him it wasn’t my fault. He was due on the 19th of December. The present he got that year was the gift of life. The present I got was assuming the role of a mother.

I have been around for a lot of Christmas events. In all that time I really don’t remember anything I really set my mind to that I wanted for a gift. Whatever I got was just fine. Growing up our family didn’t have a whole lot of money, but we never seemed to lack anything important like food. My mother spent a lot of hours making gifts with her trusty sewing machine. Her creations for me and my dolls were one of a kind.

I remember a Christmas when I was in high school. I had a part time job and decided to save up my money to buy my family a special gift. At the time we lived in a rather ratty apartment above my grandfather’s second hand store. It wasn’t a place I comfortably brought friends to. The gift I bought was a whole set of pastel plastic dishes. Dishes are dishes and I couldn’t afford china! That was also the year I decided it was better to give than to receive. I have no idea what my gifts were.

I think that Christmas set the tone for a path I would take in my adult life. I have always found it difficult to receive and only recently have begun to accept the fact that I am worth every single thing that the universe has in store for me. Oh don’t get me wrong, I still give because it makes me happy, but I now also accept not only at Christmas, but all year long.

In closing I would like to share a poem I wrote several years ago for a Christmas telethon for St. Vincent de Paul. It expresses the simple fact that love is the best gift you can give or receive. Isn’t that why God became man?

One Gift

If you could have one gift for Christmas
tell me what would it be someone asked.
Seriously pondering the question awhile,
the gift I choose wouldn’t be under the tree.

What I really want for Christmas
I told the person who had asked me
is the most precious treasured gift of all;
LOVE, pure and simple and completely free.

Thanks for the memories

2011-12-04T11:46:00.000-08:00

Birthdays are a great time to look back at your life from the view of an observer. It is also a great time to review the lessons that have been offered and notice how many times that had to happen before they were learned. Some are still works in progress. I hope I learn them before the pebbles being dropped on my head become boulders.

There are people who believe we are supposed to have a life full of only good memories. I totally disagree with that assessment. It would be like reading the same fairy tale over and over until every word has been memorized.

Personally I am grateful for the shit that has happened in my life. It gives me something to compare the good stuff to. I do believe that we attract what we get in the form of relationships and experiences, but how can we know what is good for us if we have nothing to compare it to? I say bring on the shit because now I know what it looks and smells like and I can side step it before it hits me in the face.

Live and learn people have said; well now I have learned and it is time to live. No more wasting time tending other’s shit. I have had about enough of my own. If anyone desires to live their life as a negative human I’m just going to let them. Perhaps someday they will take the time to look back at their life experiences and take stock of the lessons that were provided and ignored.

Memories are a useful tool when we care to use them properly.

Gifts do not need a box

2011-12-03T14:51:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my birthday, never mind the number, but I am old enough to have a married granddaughter who has a child; making me a great grandmother. You figure it out!

This year I received some interesting gifts and not all of them arrived in a box. I spent much of the day happily responding to birthday wishes from almost 60 friends from all over the world. It made me wonder how loud Happy Birthday would have sounded if they had all been in the same room at the same time.

This wondrous gift of friendship could never have been possible if I had not made the move to check out Facebook a couple of years ago. Many people my age wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole. The online friends I have attracted mean a great deal to me and they offer as much love as anyone living right here in my own little town. Friends of any kind are the "bestest" gift the universe could offer.

In addition to these wishes I also received some other very nice gifts that didn't all come in a box.

The first was a luscious assortment of chocolate truffles sent by a special friend in another state. It didn't take me long to taste the treat. Someone had to open the box and once it was opened well...!

The next was a beautiful Christmas cactus loaded with buds about to bloom sent by my fabulous son. Since he is still working in Kuwait I emailed him a photo so he could see what he had paid for. I hope the blooms will open by Christmas.

Last night a friend took me to dinner as a gift. I ordered my favorite, lobster and pasta. It was wonderful! Although it didn't come in a box, some of it came home in a box and I had it for lunch today. It was still just as good as it was last night.

My last gift was a phone call from my young grandson wishing me a happy birthday and inviting me to go to his first basketball game of the season this morning. His team lost but it was a good game. He followed up with spending several hours at my house today. He admitted he had forgotten it was my birthday and didn't have a present. He then decided his special gift to me was himself. He said he just wanted to spend some time with grandma.

I believe I have proven gifts don't always need a box to be very special!

Adventures of a writing group

2011-12-01T13:24:00.000-08:00

I am happy to report my new writing group is making progress and moving in a positive direction. I have to admit that I was hesitant about forming a group, but I am very happy that I did. Even though the holiday season may not have been the best time to try out my idea we are slowly picking up people who have an interest in writing. I am confident that after the chores, traditions and joys of Christmas and the New Years have passed people will be looking for a new focus.

My place is coordinator and making sure everyone has a chance to shine during the hour that we spend together. Actually I am finding that role rather fun. We decided at our first meeting that none of us desire to sit for an hour writing about a given subject. We have agreed to use the time to encourage, share and critique our work and most of all inspire each other to write about their chosen subject.

We have a varied group which makes it fun and gives each person a chance to learn about something they may not have known before. Some of us are published authors and some are waiting for work to find the right outlet for their finished project. Gerald has written a novel and several children's books, which he also illustrates. Patricia has had a medical research paper published and is in the process of doing further research. Vicky is the most unusual member as she has been receiving detailed information on a book for several years through her dreams. At the moment she is experiencing a writers block. Perhaps her source is tired! Then there is our newest member,Joyce, who in the past has written poetry and short articles. I hope we can encourage her to pick up her pen and write again. Of course, I write about things that happen in my daily life and also try to be inspirational.

I am so far very happy with the direction our little community of like minded individuals is headed. Although we are not going to sit in a room writing we did agree on going home with an idea to write about and share the next time we get together. Today's suggestion was Christmas. I will admit it is sort of a no brainer at this time of year, but it is the first thing that came to my mind.

Life can hurt

2011-11-29T10:14:00.000-08:00

If you are involved in a manipulating relationship, either as the manipulator or the person being manipulated, life can hurt.

Although any form of manipulating is an attempt to control someone else it often expresses a need to be in control of one’s own life. It can be the result of low self-esteem caused by a traumatic experience that hurt deeply. The manipulator simply has a need to be in control again. They are not mean people, just confused.

There are many ways to manipulate. There is the person who uses money/education/degrees to intimidate another and make them feel stupid. There are those who threaten to take away their love/support/attention causing fear of abandonment in another. There are the martyrs who eternally give to and help others expecting them to like/love/appreciate them because they are so generous. There are those who constantly play the victim/poor me role inviting others to feel sorry for them. There are those who use put downs in the form of a joke or are overly critical causing the other person to feel inferior to them. The list goes on and on. There are no doubt as many different methods as there are people.

One curious fact about manipulating is that it always requires a partner. It can’t be done in a vacuum. The other fact is that you can’t change the manipulator; you can only change your response. You can disable the relationship by making a change in yourself. Waking up to realize that you are a manipulator or that you are allowing another to manipulate you is a giant first step to taking back control of your life. It is necessary to admit your contribution to the problem.

Until I did a little research on the subject it never occurred to me that I have spent a good portion of my life manipulating in an effort to gain love/respect/appreciation. What a shock it was for me to see myself in that role. I have always been a martyr, giving and doing and helping others. Until now I didn’t realize I had a subconscious motive. I truly thought I was just a very generous person. When you give with a motive it is not truly giving. Today I know I developed this method of control because of an early trauma in my life. That is not an excuse, simply a fact.

I also see that all of my adult life I have attracted the poor me souls who fed right into my chosen method of control. If I have not accomplished anything else during 2011 I am through playing this game. The biggest noise I can make is to quietly walk away. From this day forward I am in control of me and I no longer choose to manipulate anyone else. Life is full of enough hurts and I am no longer contributing!

After the Big Event

2011-11-26T19:21:00.000-08:00

As I said in a previous post the best part of Thanksgiving for me is the cooking. After the big event I came across a couple of interesting recipes that I want to share and try myself. Follow me if you will.

Leftover turkey & stuffing enchiladas
1 1/2 cups turkey gravy
1/4 cup sour cream
1 1/2 cups chopped turkey
1 1/2 cups leftover stuffing warmed
1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese, divided
10 corn tortillas warmed
1 can diced tomatoes with basil, garlic and oregano drained
non-stick cooking spray

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Spray a 13x9 inch baking dish with cooking spray. Combine gravy and sour cream in small bowl, spread 1/2 mixture in dish. Combine turkey, stuffing and 1/2 cup cheese in bowl. Top each tortilla with 3 tablespoons turkey mixture. Roll up and place seam side down in baking dish. Spoon remaining gravy mixture over enchiladas, sprinkle with drained tomatoes and the remaining cheese. Cover dish with foil, bake 25 minutes until hot and cheese melts. Remove foil and bake 5 minutes more.

Sounds good, but I am going to add some chopped green chile, eliminate the gravy and mix the sour cream with whole cranberry sauce instead.

Next from my Facebook friend Lois Middleton we have:
Pumpkin Waffles
1 cup canned or pureed pumpkin
1/2 cup almond milk
3/4 cup flour
1/4 cup sugar
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/4 tsp ginger
1/4 tsp cloves
1/4 tsp salt
Or use 2 tsp pumpkin pie spice instead of cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger cloves.

Wisk pumpkin and milk together. Add dry ingredients. Spoon into hot waffle iron leaving room for expansion.

It's always fun to mix things up a bit and try something new. Enjoy!

Memorable Holidays

2011-11-22T16:56:00.000-08:00

I've had two very memorable family holidays in my life that were not celebrated in the traditional way. Although neither was planned, both resulted in weight loss.

The first occurred on Christmas 1960. I woke in the middle of the night with stomach pains and headed for the hospital. Several hours later my first born son, weighing 7 lbs 3 oz, arrived. He was the most special Christmas gift I have ever received. Nothing else has compared as it gave me the title of mother. I didn't even have time to open the gifts under the tree, but I forgave him for arriving six days late.

Through the years we always opened gifts on Christmas eve and celebrated his birthday on Christmas day. The traditional dessert was birthday cake. This year he will be able to celebrate his special day separated from Jesus because I don't think Kuwait does Christmas!

The second occurred on Thanksgiving 1989. A couple of weeks before the holiday I had been diagnosed with endometrial cancer. I was admitted to the hospital on Monday and my surgery to remove a cancerous mass was Tuesday morning. Of course, I was hooked up to an IV and was not allowed food of any kind. So Thanksgiving consisted of listening to the nurses as they gave me a blow by blow of their wonderful dinners. I, on the other hand, was on a diet of chipped ice.

To make the situation worse I was not allowed to lift anything over 5 lbs. when I came home from the hospital so cooking a late turkey was out of the question. My husband's cousin felt sorry for me and brought over a complete cooked Thanksgiving dinner. Food never tasted so good!

I absolutely do not intend to spend another major holiday in a hospital bed no matter what! Memorable or not there are better ways to loose weight!

Sit back and relax

2011-11-22T11:47:00.000-08:00

I have a terrible habit of trying to force things, especially relationships to happen when if they did it would lead to a whole lot of unpleasant experiences. It is hard to see that outcome when I believe getting what I want is the only path to my happiness.

When I look back at some of the people and possessions I thought I couldn't live without I utter a silent prayer that it didn't work out. Is it possible the universe knows just a little more about what I really need than I do? Desires are often tainted with the desires of my ego. I usually don't take the time to consider the consequences or the fact that something much better might just be past what I am asking for.

Two days before Thanksgiving I am still harboring a few hurt feelings that I will no doubt be spending the day alone. It is a whole lot better than spending it with people who don't even see me and have invited me because they think they should or even worse out of guilt. I have concluded that if I do not receive a sincere invitation for my company this year I am much better off staying with my own turkey.

I heard a wonderful quote this morning attributed to Tama Keives via a Facebook friend. In part it was. "Stop knocking on doors that are not your doors. You do have your own people." That is so true. We wear ourselves out trying to get others to see us when all we really need to do is relax and we will attract all the positive souls we need.

Some other pertinent quotes I have found are:

Accept what is, not want you want it to be.

I am who I am your approval isn't necessary.

It is a privilege to be in my inner circle, only those who treat me well get to enter and remain in that circle.

Trust that all is just the way it is supposed to be and everything will work out for your highest good.

And finally this one, which I am sure was written especially for me, You can't keep doing the same things and expect different results.

In closing I hope you will all have a very happy Thanksgiving and that you will spend it with people who really enjoy your company.

Here we go again!

2011-11-18T17:19:00.000-08:00

Here it comes another family holiday is just around the corner. I am trying to convince myself I don't mind celebrating it alone. Last year my oldest son was here from Colorado. This year he is working in Kuwait for another nine months. The rest of my family no doubt have plans that don't include me. When put that way it does sound a bit cruel. I have learned to accept things as they are, so I will poke around until I find the good in this situation.

The thing I like best about Thanksgiving is the cooking. I have never found it to be a chore. I truly love preparing holiday meals.

I remember the first turkey I ever cooked. Newly married, I had no idea what I was supposed to do with the bird. I had invited the entire family, including my grandparents for dinner. My father, who probably thought I might kill everyone off, came to help me get it ready for the oven. As I recall he also carved it. In all the years I have cooked turkeys I have never had to carve one. This year will be my first experiment. It is probably just as well that I will have no audience. It should help that I purchased an electric knife last year and I can always Google directions if I get stuck.

Even if I am eating alone I will still have all the trimmings except my daughter's favorite, the green bean casserole. I don't know how that ever got so popular. I'm sure the Pilgrims and Indians had plain old corn and I recently heard they did not eat turkey. They most likely had fish, which would have been just fine with me.

Assuming I can actually remove all the meat from the bird the carcass is going in a big pot with vegetables and pasta to make soup. Most of the leftovers will be divided and end up in my freezer to be enjoyed on other days.

On this family holiday I refuse to feel sorry for myself just because I will be alone. I am going to spend the time counting my blessings and just being grateful that I am alive. I intend to be as kind to myself as possible no matter what happens.

One two three...go

2011-11-17T05:43:00.000-08:00

This morning I am heading into a new adventure. It is the first meeting of the creative writing group that is my brain child. It is not a class, but rather a gathering of like minded individuals who have an interest in writing. We are starting with a small group and hope word of mouth will attract more as we go along.

I don’t really see it as sitting in a room writing as much as supporting each other and offering information each of us has acquired through our own experience. Every writer has a different approach and their own style of writing. Some prefer fiction and others non-fiction, while some like to write poems. I know at least one interested person loves to edit and is a stickler for spelling and correct grammar. I see the potential for the group as a melting pot of ideas, possibly creating a combined effort of some kind in the future.

As any writer knows writing is only the first step. A really big problem is promotion. I hope our little group can share information on this subject too. Today there are so many new ways to get work out there for others to read. Some of them do not require an editor or a lot of money.

It is my personal desire to inspire others to write. I really believe it can be very therapeutic. Writing things down allows the conscious mind to see what the sub-conscious mind already knows. Often writers don’t even know they have talent until someone pushes them in the right direction. Someone did that for me several years ago and now I want to return the favor.

Our first group meeting will be very informal, just getting together to talk about things such as: where we want to go from here, how often do we want to meet and especially learning what each participant desires to draw from joining such a group.

As an ice breaker I thought it might be fun to give them a little writing prompt just to see what happens. The prompt is: Imagine you wake up in the morning, go to the bathroom, look in the mirror and the person looking back at you isn’t you. Who is it and why do you think he/she is there?

Looking back in my mirror would be my young grandson making one of his famous funny faces and he would be telling me to relax, have fun, only do things that make me happy and most of all stay far away from people and situations that don't.

I’ll check back with you later after I know if my latest idea has wings and will fly. One two three…go!

A True Soulmate

2011-11-16T08:27:00.000-08:00

For several years I have been looking around for my true soulmate and was about to give up when a real connection became apparent to me. There was no need to look any further. I now believe after searching and praying and checking out everyone I met that my true soulmate is my very own soul.

My soul, although not a visible being, is the one entity who knows me better than anyone else. It is the pristine connection to all that is; a guide to a cleaner way of living my life. Several years ago people were going around thinking and asking what would Jesus do? (WWJD) I tuned into that only briefly. I think a better question is what would my soul do?

A conscious connection with your soul tends to keep your ego at bay and gives one a choice of how to respond to life’s little challenges. Those tests are still going to be there because that is how we learn and evolve while living on this planet called earth.

Granted there are many souls that cross our path that cause us to feel we have a special connection or that we are so close that we feel we have always known them. I believe they are the members of our immediate soul family and are here to support us or sometimes be supported by us on our individual journeys.

I could be wrong, of course, but I now believe our only true soulmate is our very own soul and I am grateful that I have achieved a conscious connection with mine, for I will never feel alone again.

Forgiven

2011-11-12T08:36:00.000-08:00

Refusing to forgive is no doubt the worst act you can inflict upon yourself. If not careful it can destroy an otherwise perfectly good life. It can cause phobias which in turn lead to life long dysfunctional behavior, affecting relationships with everyone on your path to your own evolvement. The most important being who needs to be forgiven is you.

For true forgiveness you must recognize your part in the conflict, accept your responsibility and forgive yourself for any intentional or unintentional wrong doing.

You cannot forgive another until you first forgive you. It often requires going back to the scene of the “crime” and looking at it from a bystanders view. It gets the ego out of the way. Often the imagined offense will be so silly you just have to laugh, not only at the situation, but at yourself for participating in the first place.

My mother was a very negative being who criticized everything I did until she died in 1987. Because of information I received in 2007, which allowed me to see a trauma in her early life, I finally forgave her- I thought. It was only recently that I realized I still held onto a grudge for something she did when I was a child.

The supposed wrongdoing led me to never being able to trust anyone or anything again. Because I couldn’t trust I became a controlling adult who had to do everything myself. I thought it was the only way things would work out. Well I was wrong!

My ego intentionally attracted people, especially men, who I knew in advance I would never be able to trust. The ego was saying, “See I told you so.”

I went on to do and say things that I knew would alienate others just to hear the ego again chant, “See I told you so.”

A chain of events has just occurred in my real life that has allowed me to step back and view the root of this problem. It all began many years ago and it had to do with the fact that I had never forgiven my mother for something that she did way back in 1942. It was not even a conscious act on my part, but it had caused negative things to happen all of my adult life.

I had experienced an extremely painful earache in my left ear for a couple of days. My grandmother finally convinced my mother that I needed to see a doctor right away. She was right. I was immediately scheduled for surgery and my mother was told that if she had waited another day I would not have lived.

A couple of months ago I experienced a similar situation, but this time I was in charge. I had been in excruciating stomach pain for two days and in the middle of the night finally went to the ER for help. I was informed the next day that if I had waited for another day I would not have lived.

I am now able to forgive both myself and my mother because I realize that we both simply made a human mistake that could have resulted in my death.

So mom on this November 12, 2011 you are finally forgiven and I love you!

Wars never solved anything

2011-11-11T07:32:00.000-08:00

I have found that the universe always gives us opportunities to take a positive path. The decision to accept is always up to us. Where there is a will to do good there is a way.

Last night I had that opportunity to show my grandson that it is not necessary to carry negative feeling around forever. My husband and I have been divorced for several years and although we no longer care to be married we have made peace with each other. I am sure his family of cousins would be amazed if they just took the time to notice.

Last night our high school band had a concert for Veterans Day. My grandson and I have been going to these events for some time. He enjoys the band and especially loves watching our award winning ROTC group perform.

Something led me to suggest that Colin call his grandfather and ask if he wanted to go to the concert with us. He did and he did. He doesn't get around much anymore because he doesn't have a car. We had an enjoyable time, except sore bottoms from sitting in bleacher seats above the gym so Colin could have a better view. There was a funny moment when he had decided to sit on his jacket for padding and then remembered he had a bag of doughnut holes in the pocket. Whew the munchies were safe!

This morning I was happy to have had the opportunity to teach Colin that positive energy comes from forgiving not fighting. Wars never solved anything.

A Comfortable Place

2011-11-09T08:41:00.000-08:00

Totaling up my life less than a month before my birthday I have concluded that I have survived:
73 years on earth
20 years living with parents
13 years in Masonic organizations
25 years in Catholic church
40 years with husbands who had negative addictions
40 years volunteering
3 major surgeries
2 non communicating children
numerous friends who have moved on

No wonder I am looking around and thinking it is time to put all of this stuff behind me and find a new reason for being.

At the moment I feel somewhat like Alice in Wonderland as she tried to find a seat at the Mad Hatter's tea party. No room no room is all I can hear as I try to find a place of my own. I had an interesting experience at Senior Citizens yesterday that could have come right out of this book. I had decided to find another table to sit at to give a former friend her needed space. I sat down at a table to talk to a man I knew. The woman next to me said, "You do know someone is sitting there?" They must have been invisible!

A few days ago I was led to read Up Island by Anne Rivers Siddons and I am laughing at the contents because changing a couple of details it could have been written about my life. In a brief moment a woman who thought she had a family found it was all a fantasy. Her husband finds a younger woman and wants a divorce, her domineering mother suddenly dies, her father moves away, her son goes to school in another state and to top it all off she and her best friend find they no longer have much in common. It was time for her to find another place to be. I can't wait to see how the book ends.

Intentionally attracting new people to your life as it continues to change is not the easiest thing to accomplish. Maybe the first step is to think about what makes you happiest and go from there. For me it is writing and so I have decided to form a creative writing group and see what happens. Perhaps it won't work, but perhaps it will. At least it is a first step into a place that I might comfortably fit.
Every journey begins with a single step.

Communication a two way street

2011-11-07T16:08:00.000-08:00

What does one do when an adult who is supposed to be a friend suddenly stops answering her phone and refuses to talk to you? This happened to me over the weekend and I found out from the friend’s sister that I apparently did something to make her angry and she no longer cares to communicate with me. She would not tell me what that was. I was told to figure it out. I have no clue what her problem could be.

I think “her problem” are the important words. As far as I know I have no problem with her. It pretty much reminds me of a child throwing a tantrum. I believe the best advice most parents get in that situation is ignore the behavior the child will get over it.

I was telling another friend at lunch today about this experience and her advice was just let it go. Why is that always so hard for me to do? My ego is saying “it must be your fault you must have done or said something to offend her.”

My logical mind and guidance is saying “the more you focus on it the more negative energy you are creating. If this grownup wants to act like a child let her it is none of your business”.

I know my only part in this scenario is how I am going to react. This is what I did; I sent her a simple Hallmark card telling her she is a special person who deserves only the best the universe has to offer. I extended an olive branch, whether or not she accepts it is her choice.

After all communication is a two way street.

Help is on the Way

2011-11-05T09:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a very enlightening day on my journey to healing. After asking for help from the Archangel Jophiel, who never lets me down, I was led to two souls that I had not met before. If you remember, in my previous post I said I was going out to meet my spiritual family.

My story begins with the fact that for several days my blood pressure has been elevated to the point of causing anxiety. Since my surgery on 9/20 it has been wonderful and I was thrilled that my medication had been reduced to a very low dose and was working. On 11/30, the day before I was released by my doctor, it began to creep up for no apparent reason. It scared me to the point of making an appointment with my primary care facility because I was no longer my surgeon’s patient.

Enter the first of my helpers, Carol, who is a Physician Assistant. Strangely it was her first day at this facility and I am quite sure it was no accident that I was to see her. Her manner was unlike any medical person I had ever experienced. She actually listened and checked my heart, which was fine. Her first question was, “What has changed in the last few days?” I told her I had been released by my surgeon a few days earlier, I was having relationship problems and I still had medical bills to settle. She observed I was under a lot of stress. I agreed with her. In our conversation I told her I wrote inspirational/spiritual books. She almost laughed when she said, “Then you know that you are fine and the universe will take care of you.” It is something I am supposed to know, but did not really believe until it came from her mouth.

She did not increase my medication believing it would cause my blood pressure to be dangerously low. Instead she suggested I try to relax. Where have I heard that before? Interestingly, after sharing my problems my blood pressure came down. I began thinking perhaps it was a big clue to what was really going on. Did I just need a compassionate ear? Although that seemed rather childish I did feel better after leaving her company. She even gave me a hug on the way out.

After returning home I thought about what could be wrong. For some reason the word abandonment raised its head. I contemplated that and decided to go to the Senior Center for lunch. If I was feeling lonely perhaps talking to friends would help.

As I approached the table where I normally sit I observed a woman sitting alone. None of my friends were there. I sat down and introduced myself. She said she had heard my name and knew I had just had surgery. Gerie introduced herself as a retired OR nurse. A light went on and I knew she was there for me. As we began sharing bits and pieces of our lives a question formed in my mind that I felt she could answer because of her job experience. I asked if she thought that being released to my own care by my doctor could be causing my blood pressure to be elevated. Without hesitation her answer was, “Absolutely!”

There it was- the answer I had been seeking. A fear of abandonment had followed me all of my life and I knew exactly when it had started. I shared with Gerie my memories of a surgery experience when I was about six. My first vision, as if it just happened, was of being left all alone on a gurney outside of the operating room, next I was on the operating room table and the doctor was at my feet yelling because I was not asleep yet I no doubt thought it was my fault, next a big black thing was placed over my face and I thought I was being smothered. That’s an awful lot of stress for a six year old to deal with. No wonder it caused a fear that has lasted all of my life.

After lunch I checked out fear of abandonment online and discovered it is a phobia. The symptoms fit like a glove; low self-esteem, clinging to others for support, exaggerating the importance of other people, seeking anyone for companionship, even those who are cruel and abusive. It made me think of women who stay in abusive relationships with men and inmates who keep going back to prison because they can’t deal with being free. What an eye opener!

Now that I know what the real issue is I trust I will be led to further healing. I am determined that I am no longer going to be that little child, afraid to live my life. I am grateful for the help offered by my spiritual family members Carol and Gerie and to Archangel Jophiel for listening to my plea and flying in to help.

Family Ties

2011-11-04T11:46:00.000-07:00

When I was a child my family was small. It consisted of parents, one brother, a paternal grandmother, maternal grandparents and an uncle, two aunts and six cousins on my father’s side of the family. Except for my maternal grandparents we spent very little time with the rest of the family. One might say our family ties were pretty weak.

Eventually, I moved away from Washington State, where I grew up (sort of). My parents and grandparents died and I lost track of any biological family members who may still be living. It makes me sad when I observe the huge families that others have.

My first husband had no siblings and my second had a brother who died before we were married. When I married my second husband I did obtain a connection with his large family of aunts, uncles and cousins. Of course, when we divorced in 1999 they all went with him. I think it is strange that when a couple divorces the relatives find it necessary to take sides even though they were not part of the marriage. I think it begins at the church when the usher asks, “Which side do you want to sit on, the bride or the groom?”

As the result of the two marriages I did produce three children who produced four children of their own. Because of my past experience I have tried hard to keep them all connected. I have provided email and physical addresses and phone numbers, but my efforts simply have not worked. They barely communicate with each other or with me. Of course, it is normal for me to blame myself. After all if it were not for me none of these souls would even exist.

Due to a conversation I had with my recent visitor, Lois, I finally realized I am not alone nor am I at fault for the behavior of others, even if they are family members. Many people apparently deal with this same issue. What others choose to do with their life is their responsibility. If family ties are not important to them that’s just the way it is!

I have found, and temporarily forgot, that family is much more than biology. We all did come from the same source and are therefore brothers and sisters. Taken from that view family ties takes on a whole new meaning.

I think I am going to go out and look for the rest of my spiritual family now! Perhaps they will recognize me from an earlier photo.

When the Time is Right

2011-11-02T16:32:00.000-07:00

Today was a special day I have been waiting to happen for some time. A Facebook friend that I had never met until recently took the time to visit me in the hospital. She was passing through town on her way to spend a month with a longtime friend in another part of the state. I have been waiting for her to come back through town on her return trip home to San Diego. Today the time was right.

I had a chance to tell her how grateful I was for her kindness. We also had a chance to share the lunch I enjoyed preparing and take the time to get to know each other. I was very surprised as we talked at how much we have in common. Although there is some difference in our ages we share similar experiences and have learned many of the same lessons. I believe #1 is that we need to take care of ourselves first. It is really surprising just how long it takes to learn that little/big lesson.

Looks like everything happens when the time is right. If it didn't none of us would ever move on. Thanks for the visit Lois!

Moving On

2011-11-01T08:46:00.000-07:00

I survived the Halloween Carnival at our family center and looking back I am thinking this could be my last year. Maybe it is time for someone else to take my place in volunteering to help. How about one or two of those parents who are getting free after school child care? It might be nice if they gave a little back.

Although last night was fun and the little ones were adorable my muscles are sore this morning from doing the same thing over and over for three hours. It reminds me of the many years I was a product demonstrator at Wal-Mart, standing on a cement floor repeating the same motions and speech over and over for six hours at a time. Thank God I don't have to do that anymore either.

Most of my life has been about volunteering. Whether it was schools, organizations or civic groups I gave my time to others. Someone once said I had volunteered my life away. Perhaps it is time to stop and move on to something else.

This 11/1/11 seems to signal a new way of life. Now if someone would just point me in the right direction I would have no further problems. The Native American advice, "Look at your feet", when wondering what to do next just popped into my mind. At the moment my feet are sitting quietly on the floor under my computer desk. Next question: what is that supposed to mean?

Well Ms. Barbara it seems to mean that you are supposed to keep writing about the challenges that come up in your life. A new step might be to actually make money from your gift someday somehow. Wow what a concept!

Playing with the Ducks

2011-10-31T08:02:00.000-07:00

It's Halloween again. Some people are going to spend the night wondering around the streets with little ones and some are going to stay warm and simply answer their knock on the door. Not me! Been there done that with both children and grandchildren. I get to play with little plastic ducks swimming in a wading pool encouraging all sorts of creatures to win a prize at our family center Halloween carnival.

This is my second year volunteering and I am looking forward to the side show of creative costumes. I love the ones that are home made because they are the product of the minds of the kids and their parents.

I also love helping out at Future Foundations Family Center. In my opinion it is the best thing that has ever happened to Grants. It's mission is to keep our children off the streets and safe all year round.

It also provides a safe place for adults to walk and exercise without having to deal with the elements, unattended dogs and uneven pavement. It is my home away from home most mornings and volunteering is my way of expressing my gratitude.

Keep swimming little duckies I'll be there soon to play with you and in the meantime I wish everyone a Happy Halloween!

Journey of Abundance

2011-10-29T07:48:00.001-07:00

For some time I have been holding my breath waiting for my surgeon’s bill to arrive. Everything else had been dealt with and this was the last expense from my recent emergency surgery. I knew it was totally my responsibility to pay it.

As I sorted through my mail yesterday there it was. I slowly pulled the tab on the intimidating envelope and exposed the anticipated bill. Taking a deep breath I slowly took in the amount. My reaction was oh wow!! In shock I called my doctor’s office to make sure there was no mistake. I was told the amount was the total bill.

The journey begins or ends.

Last spring Social Security put a large sum of money in my checking account, which I immediately put in a savings account until I was sure it was mine. As it turned out they had made a mistake and wanted it back. I decided to give them a hard time because I could and challenged their decision right up to the point of needing to send bills and documents etc. to them. Then I said take it back. The last payment was in August.

About a week later they plopped another large amount of money into my checking account and also raised my monthly benefit. Was this some kind of joke I wondered or do they simply hire idiots who can’t add?

I again put the money in my savings account. I also called our local Social Security office to seek advice. I was told to write a letter asking how they came to their conclusion. While I was in the hospital I finally received their response stating that when my first ex-husband died in 2008 S.S. made a mistake in my benefit calculations. The check I had received was money owed me from then to now. It was mine!!

Now for the WOW part!

This amount still sitting in my savings account is $15.10 less than my surgeon’s bill.

Temporarily Confused

2011-10-28T08:09:00.000-07:00

I am beginning to wonder if while I was in the hospital for two weeks the rest of the world suddenly went crazy. Everything is falling apart and it seems to me that the entire world is dysfunctional, arguing and generally pissed off. Even with the negative experience I just survived I am happy. What's going on with the rest of the world?

It is not unusual for me to be out of step with my peers. That has been the story of my life and I have now accepted it as God's little joke. At an age when most women become grand mothers I had another kid. That started an avalanche I have not been able to stop. For the last thirty years I have had trouble convincing people that I am as old as I am. I guess I could start lying but then my 50 year old son would have to find another mother or lie about his age. It just isn't worth it!

One of the first things I noticed when I started driving again was that several streets in my little town were torn up that were drivable when I entered the hospital. Remember the old quote, "You can't get there from here?" That pretty much sums up Grants, NM right now. We only have a couple of main streets to get from here to there and now that is literally impossible without a detour. I quickly found a new path. It didn't make me unhappy, just temporarily confused.

That seems to be where my life is right now. I have figured out that the reason people and the universe in general have left me alone for almost six weeks is so that I would finally realize that I am quite capable of taking care of myself. It has also taught me to really like who I am and to truly appreciate everything that I have been given. Some souls in my situation would not be able to come to that realization. I am not one of them nor do I want to be. It would not make me happy.

I have been trying to reinvent myself, but again I have been temporarily confused. Since I am aware that I could have died as an end to my recent surgery experience I got the message that I still have more to do. I certainly don't think that is an invitation to continue to drag around anyone or anything that was previously causing me to be unhappy. I can almost hear a very soft voice somewhere up there uttering, "Oh shit not again! How many chances does she need to be happy?"

I am trying to cut out the garbage I really am. Bad habits are hard to break.

Checking out the things that really make me happy, besides my relationship with my grandson, first would be my passion for writing and sharing the lessons that the Universe/Source has so generously provided. I have reached the point of believing in my gift and not needing validation, even though positive feedback is always welcome and appreciated. If I were to take the next step it would be to use every means I am given to inspire others to follow their own passion, whatever that may be.

Even though I am still a little confused I know I am taking positive steps that will keep me on a happiness path. I have decided to leave the rest of the world to fight their own battles.

An Unexpected Guest

2011-10-24T14:08:00.000-07:00

Well as it turned out I did have a guest today, but not the one I had expected and this one is only here for the day. It started last night when my grandson called rather late and asked, "Grandma can I come to your house tomorrow?" His mother forgot there was no school because it was Labor Day. What do you think I told him?

After his second breakfast of cereal this morning Colin watched cartoons while I took care of some morning chores and got dressed. When it warmed up we headed for the Riverwalk, our favorite place in all of Grants. The first stop was to feed the geese and ducks.

Then because I am supposed to be walking that is exactly what I did while Colin rode his scooter that he got for his birthday. I think he had more fun!

When we were tired we got back in the car and had an interesting experience that caused us to shake our heads, laugh and wonder if we had attracted a spirit with a unique sense of humor. I had opened my car door so Colin could put his scooter in, opened the trunk so I could retrieve my purse and got in the car, attempting to insert my key in the ignition. It wouldn't turn. Inspecting the key I had just used to open the doors and trunk I saw that it was seriously bent. Now this is a very sturdy car key and bending it would take a heap of strength. I couldn't bend it back with my hand. I might have panicked except I knew I had a spare key in my wallet. I have no explanation, but thought I would share it because it spices up our little adventure.

The rest of the day was pretty normal. Colin spent some time on my computer playing games and generally amused himself. After a bowl of chicken soup, his favorite, we attacked the large pile of leaves I had previously raked up in the backyard (don't tell my doctor). We took a guess at how many bags it would take and neither of us won. The total was 7.

Our work was done and we each enjoyed a dish of tin roof ice cream. The rest of the afternoon is just for relaxing and enjoying my unexpected guest.

Guests Aren't Always Necessary

2011-10-23T12:07:00.000-07:00

Up until an hour ago I thought I was going to have a house guest starting Monday. My guest's plans have changed and she won't be coming after all. Even though I looked forward to her visit I am actually a little relieved that her plans changed. I really am not quite physically ready to have a guest.

This last week I have done everything possible to get my house ready for company. I have made every effort to stay within the guidelines that my surgeon set up. Okay I probably fudged a little, but my house looks great. These last five weeks have not been easy for me to manage alone. For some reason the rest of the world has not noticed that I could use some help.

The experience of getting ready for a guest reminds me of advice I heard years ago. It was: don't save the good china for guests.

I am just as worthy as any guest who would visit to have a clean house with things in their proper place. I have never been known as a Martha Stewart type, but I absolutely hate clutter. My house usually has the warm feeling of being comfortably lived in. If you live in New Mexico there will always be dust! Along with clutter pretense doesn't impress me.

Now that my expected house guest is no longer coming I am left with a reasonably clean house to enjoy all by myself and I have decided I deserve the experience. Guests are not always necessary.

Honestly Honest

2011-10-21T16:13:00.000-07:00

For the last month I have pretty much been left to fend for myself and I don’t understand why. What is God/Source trying to get me to see? I get it that nobody is going to take responsibility for me but me. That really is not a new concept. What am I missing? What has been different in the last 30 days?

I guess I have been focusing on me and have not been involved in the issues that others have. I have backed off of things and people that do not make me happy, no matter what or who they are. Perhaps I have finally realized that I have enough to do just taking care of myself and to intentionally drag negative energy into my life at this point is plain stupid.

When I have concentrated on my well being and happiness good things have happened. Last week I kept an appointment with my dermatologist even though I already had plenty of medical bills. Knowing that I do not have insurance he again reduced my bill by more than half. He knows that with my fair skin and history I need to make regular appointments or I could be dealing with skin cancer. I appreciate his kindness and generosity and have often recommended him to others.

One of my friends took me to Albuquerque for this appointment and I thanked her with a delicious lunch at Olive Garden. It turned out that it was the first day of work for our waitress. She was so helpful and friendly that she earned a generous tip.

A major issue this week was making a phone call to Xray Associates of New Mexico and asking them if there was any possibility that they could reduce my bill. I just honestly stated my situation and hoped for the best. I was told there was probably something they could do since I was paying the bill myself. Today I was told that they were willing to reduce the bill by 50% if I met their requirements. I agreed and happily sent off the first check.

Honesty has always been my # 1 good quality even though it gets me into trouble now and then. I don’t know what other good things are going to happen, but perhaps all I ever had to do was honestly focus on me. Since I seem to be on a roll I am sticking to this path.

Labels Matter

2011-10-19T09:20:00.000-07:00

I'm sharing a recent experience that caused me to be a little smarter today than I was yesterday.

I had an appointment with my chiropractor to get my body back in better shape because of my recent surgery. We thoroughly discussed my experience and I also shared the fact that I have been having some anxiety issues. My surgeon believes it is normal considering the trauma my body went through and encouraged deep breathing as a means to deal with the problem. He did not offer medication nor did I expect him to. Been there done that and do not want to do it again thank you very much!

Now back to my chiropractor whose opinion I trust, partly because she has been through a similar surgery experience herself and she is very up to date in her general methods of treatment. She stated that she believes my adrenal glands have been out of whack for some time and I would benefit from adding an herbal supplement to assist them in working better. Although I thought it was a good idea I decided to ask my surgeon what he thought. After all he did just save my life and I am trying to follow his post surgery instructions as best as I can. I definitely do not care to end up back in the hospital.

I left a message stating what I thought was sufficient information at his office and requested that he call me with his opinion. The first thing he said was "I can't give an opinion unless I know what is in the product". This is where my lack of education comes in. My answer was, all I know is that she has it in her office and it is herbal. I'm sure I heard a chuckle.

How was I supposed to know that the word herbal didn't necessarily mean that it only contained herbs, which he said he approves of, but if it contained minerals such as zinc and magnesium no way. My instructions for self-education were find out what's in it.

This experience reminded me of walking through "Trader Joes" the other day with a friend. Noticing the number of products in the large store that said organic my friend said, "How do you know what is really organic?"

It was a good question which along with the herbal lesson led me to do a little online research. An herb is any plant used as a medicine, seasoning or flavoring.

Organic means "related to or derived from living organisms" They are products grown with no pesticides. To be truly organic they contain 95% or more organic ingredients and bear the USDA organic seal.

The best advice I found in all my research is read the label for ingredients and pertinent information, which I plan to do in the future.

Who is in Charge of Karma?

2011-10-14T09:54:00.000-07:00

This morning one of my Facebook friends posted the following: "Dear karma I have a list of people you forgot." After a good laugh I immediately came up with my own list of souls I feel that karma apparently forgot. Then my brain kicked in and I remembered I am not in charge of karma nor am I the judge of anyone's behavior other than my own.

The realization led me to search the web for some insightful quotes about karma and I want to share them with my readers. Make of them what you will.

"Karma isn't fate.Nor is it punishment imposed on us by some external agent. We create our own karma. It is the result of choices that we make every moment of every day." ~Tulku Thondup Peaceful Death, Joyful Rebirth

"Karma is our teacher. It teaches us to refine our behavior. One way to tell a young soul from an old soul is to observe how quickly he learns karma's lessons in life." ~editors of Hinduism Today

"Karma is the destiny man weaves for himself." ~L.H. Leslie-Smith Karma, Rhythmic Return to Harmony

"As no cause remains without its due effect from greatest to least from a cosmic disturbance down to the movement of your hand, and as like produces like, karma is that unseen and unknown law which adjusts wisely, intelligently and equitably each effect to its cause, tracing the latter back to its producer." ~H.P. Blavatsky The Key to Theosophy

"Karma is the universal law of cause and effect. You reap what you sow. You get what you earn. You are what you eat. If you give love, you get love. Revenge returns itself upon the avenger. What goes around comes around.~ Mary T. Browne The Power of Karma

"The law of karma is the principle of cosmic justice that holds that all good actions will be rewarded and all wicked actions will be punished. Sometime. Somehow. Somewhere. ~Chanju Mum Buddhism and Peace

To sum things up, the most important lesson I hope I have taught my young grandson, Colin, is that you are only responsible for yourself. What others do has nothing to do with you.

A Different View

2011-10-10T07:39:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who recently stated that she doesn't believe we are meant to be ill. I hold a totally different view of this subject.

Real life isn't supposed to be about cotton candy and puffy white clouds floating in a vivid azure sky.

In my opinion we don't learn much from living a perfect life. Our important lessons come from how we deal with things that do not seem fair. We always have the freedom to choose the road paved with negative energy or the one leading to spiritual evolvement. I know we also have personal cheerleaders in the form of guides and angels pushing us in a positive direction. We don't always listen to them.

This past weekend I was given an opportunity to make such a choice and I am extremely proud of myself for the decision I made. It led to emotional freedom I have not previously experienced.

I desperately wanted to see my grandson play his soccer game Saturday, having missed the one last week due to my hospital captivity. Noting it was a little breezy I found an ideal place to park my car with a perfect view of both sides of the field. My view also included the backside of my new son-in-law, my estranged daughter and my ex-husband, none of whom turned around when I parked.

As I took in this view I felt nothing but negative energy from the three of them. It reminded me of "Pigpen" in the Peanuts comics. I was acutely aware that my next move was very important for my well being. Because they chose to abandon me during my hospital experience I had every right to wish them all kinds of bad stuff in return. Without hesitating I simply raised my view to the soccer field above their heads and let them be. I am only responsible for what I do. Nothing else that happens is up to me.

I was rewarded for my decision. During half time my ex-husband came over to my car and sincerely asked how I was doing. Oh, and Colin made the only three goals for his team! I love watching him play because he is a great little athlete who proves that size doesn't matter when you are doing what you are supposed to be doing. Go Colin you make me proud to be your grandmother!!

So this is my view, it may not be what everyone sees, but we all have free choice to make of our life experiences what we will.

Angry Vibes

2011-10-09T08:42:00.000-07:00

In attempting to heal from my recent health scare I am trying to find the lessons offered through the entire experience. It is no doubt easy for those not involved to see the big picture. The first thing I am realizing is that I need to get rid of all the anger that was brought up and focus on the good things that happened.

Going back to the beginning, none of this would have happened if I had followed my strong intuition and refused to have radiation in 1989. I had the best GYN/Oncologist in the four corners area and my cancer had not spread. For six weeks I endured the treatments realizing that it was killing perfectly normal cells. If I had known that it was also causing scar tissue that would lead to life threatening surgery years later I would have screamed so loud that I would have probably been locked up.

It makes me angry, but I can’t change what happened. I need to let it go and refocus on healing and doing everything possible to keep my body in the healthy state I thought it was in before my latest adventure.

A big chunk of anger goes to my estranged daughter who did not take this opportunity to reconnect. It was pretty sad when asked for a contact person, not to give them Christina’s name. It was even sadder in the hours following my surgery to know she chose not to come to the hospital or even call as far as I know.

It was probably the biggest hurt I have ever experienced in my life and yes it made me angry. I need to let it go and focus on the people who were there for me.

Many friends and hospital staff went out of there way to let me know they cared. My friend June was by my side offering support before surgery and was there to take me home. Oh and she also ran errands and took care of my cats during my absence. My ex-husband brought our grandson, Colin, to visit which made my day. One of my Facebook friends called long distance and another, on her way from California to Los Lunas, NM, stopped by the hospital to meet me and say hello. I received many cards, prayers and positive thoughts from friends I have never met and those I see every day.

I’m thinking my main lesson from this experience is cut out the anger because it doesn’t matter and focus on the good stuff because it does. Apparently shit is only good for growing flowers and does not aid in healing the body or the mind.

#22 the Human Gueina Pig

2011-10-06T07:36:00.000-07:00

For years the #22 has popped up in my life again and again. Until September 19, 2011 I couldn't figure out what it meant. Landing in our local ER in the middle of the night made it crystal clear. Two hours later I was in the operating room being prepped for emergency surgery. Ex rays showed a blocked small bowel. It was caused by radiation scar tissue from cancer treatment in 1989- 22 years ago.

My body had been under so much stress trying to function that it couldn't take it anymore and put forth such excruciating stomach pain that I had no choice but to seek help. I asked my surgeon the next day what would have happened if I had not come to the ER when I did and he bluntly answered,"You would have died." It appears that I was the only person in the operating room who didn't receive the message that I was close to death.

I spent two weeks in the hospital while we waited for an 8" section of injured bowel to recover and begin functioning. My doctor never gave up believing that it would open. He said if it didn't he would have to go back in and remove it.The night before he was to make his decision I stopped resisting the possibility of a second surgery and simply accepted whatever was going to happen.

The next morning began with a final ex ray showing positive progress. The nurse came in and removed the hideous tube that had been inserted through my nose to my stomach for almost two weeks. I have never felt such freedom! No more surgery!! It was still another couple of days before I was released because my doctor had told me I wasn't going home until I was 100%. I think he cheated a bit, but on the afternoon of October 3 after consuming two tacos, a mound of rice and a slice of pumpkin pie without throwing up, I was released to my own care.

Today it seems ridicules that I could feel so healthy and yet be so sick inside. Who said "you can't judge a book by its cover?" You just never know.

All summer I had been having problems with my blood pressure going up and down and I couldn't convince anyone that something was causing it besides the obvious stress in my life. Doctors just kept giving me more medication, which made me angry. My intuition said that wasn't helping. Now we know the blood pressure was a symptom of a greater problem. Since the surgery it has come down. One good thing about the BP fluctuation is that it caused me to try to eliminate stress and learn deep breathing techniques, both of which aided in a more positive hospital stay than I would have otherwise had. When I got anxious I would simply breath.

As doctor Oz says "check out your poop"! I had been having problems for some time, but just thought it was part of getting older. Women tend to accept stuff as normal when they really should be seeking a professional opinion. If the first person ignores you knock on another door until someone listens to you. Follow your intuition- it is Source/God knocking on your door.

I want to end my post with a great big thank you to Dr. Karl and the entire staff of Cibola General Hospital in Grants, NM. You all took wonderful care of me and I truly appreciate everything you did to make my stay comfortable!

Connecting the Dots

2011-09-18T13:26:00.000-07:00

Source/God seems to be playing a game with me and a close spiritual friend. For some time we have been given similar experiences which we have shared with each other. We have talked about them at length, finally realizing that our unusual connection was meant to help us both evolve. Connecting the dots is a lot more fun when you can see the big picture.

Last night my friend, Maria, sent me an email with a photo she had taken in her yard yesterday. She wanted me to see the image of a very happy spirit on the body of a bright butterfly. He was so clear my reaction was, "Wow his message is obviously meant for you." I believe it was,"We are proud of the way you are living your life and sharing what you have learned." I of course, passed my interpretation on to Maria. She had the same feeling, but wanted confirmation from someone else.

Her butterfly reminded me that earlier that day I had a similar experience with a tiny little winged messenger. I had opened my car door preparing to go to my grandson's soccer game. When I closed the door I noticed a very small blue object on the door window. At first I thought it was a bug, but then I realized it was the smallest butterfly I had ever seen. Its wing span was about 1/2" and to me it resembled the pattern on Royal Doulton English china.

When this memory returned I emailed Maria. I also checked my copy of Betty Bethard's The Dream Book to see what butterfly meant: "Rebirth to higher form; transmutation of energy, the process of growth through all its ups and downs, emerging triumphant in new awareness." I also looked up blue since that was the color of my messenger. It means spirituality.

After comparing notes and connecting the dots Maria and I decided our messages were the same, just personally gift wrapped by the universe.

Is Cheap/Free Worth It?

2011-09-15T13:14:00.000-07:00

A friend talked me into going to the Senior Center for lunch recently. I decided to give it a try. The lunch is only $1.00, which you can hardly beat price wise, but I have about come to the conclusion that cheap isn’t always worth it.

The meals are mediocre at best, but occasionally they do serve something that is actually very tasty. My main problem with the food is that the portions are way too big. Possibly the cooks have never watched a Dr. Oz show. I often end up feeling groggy in the afternoon after consuming so much food. Taking anything home is a definite no no. Unfortunately I was raised to not waste food so I eat what’s on my plate.

Having lived in Grants, NM for so many years I know many of the seniors who are in regular attendance. I would think I would have many things to talk about with them. No not really. They seem to be stuck in the past focusing on vivid memories from long ago. Some of the stories are cute and even interesting, but come on people this is 2011.

This same friend also talked me into going to the Community Pantry with her once a week, because my income qualifies me to get things free. At first it was like a game to see what my haul would be this week. Then it became less and less fun. I ended up with so many cans of applesauce that I had to find a recipe to use some of it up. If anyone needs an onion I have more than I really have use for.

I have given my newest adventures a month of my time to see if I fit in and I don’t believe I do. I like being able to choose what I bring home and what and how much I eat at a sitting. I also rather enjoy trying to see how far I can make a dollar stretch.

I have been feeling uncomfortable, out of my element, poor and just plain old. Even though things are cheap/free I have about come to the conclusion that price isn’t always worth it.

Just for fun here is the Applesauce Bread recipe I found.

1/3 cup butter or margarine softened
1 cup sugar
1 egg
1 ¼ cups applesauce (15 oz. can)
1 ½ cups flour
¾ tsp. baking soda
¾ tsp. ground cinnamon
½ tsp. baking powder
½ tsp. salt
½ tsp. ground nutmeg
1/8 tsp. ground cloves
½ cup raisins
½ cup chopped walnuts
Cream butter and sugar. Add egg and applesauce, mix well. Combine dry ingredients, add to creamed mixture. Fold in raisins and nuts. Pour into greased loaf pan; bake 350 degrees for 60-65 min. Cool for 10 min. before removing from pan.

Tastes yummy and all those I shared it with at the Senior Center loved it!

Just Following Along

2011-09-12T15:29:00.000-07:00

Recently a facebook friend posted a link for making little dresses to send to orphaned children in Africa. I thought it was a wonderful idea and was excited about getting started. I still had a small amount of fabric on hand that would do nicely. Most of my craft items I had previously given away because I didn't think I would need them anymore.

I had the fabric, but to complete the dresses I also needed double faced bias tape to finish the armholes and trims such as rick rack. No such items appeared at my fingertips in the containers they should have been in. Great! I began to search our wonderful little town for the missing items. Our Wal-Mart store got rid of the fabric department because the powers that be decided they weren't selling enough product. Do you idiots realize that there are a ton of crafters in our town?

Frustrated, I checked everywhere, even the dollar stores, of which we have an abundance, and the thrift shops, just in case. No luck! I asked people I knew if they had anything they didn't need. Most were in the same boat that I was in, they had already given their stash away.

Disgruntled, I was afraid I would have to put this super idea on hold until I could go to Gallup or Albuquerque, 60 and 73 miles away. A friend said she was going to be going out of town later in the month and invited me to tag along. It wasn't ideal, but I decided to take her up on her offer, besides we were planning to have lunch at a restaurant that had more to offer than Mexican food. Yea!

Saturday, an idea popped into my head that was so strong I followed up on it. I had previously checked our only craft store and found nothing I needed. My idea was to ask the owner if she could order the bias tape I was unsuccessfully trying to obtain. Sometimes living in a small town is great because I have known people for years.

Guess what? When I told Shirley what I needed she pointed to a display she had just put out of some leftover notions. I immediately picked up the three packages of bias tape on the shelf, exactly what I needed to make six of the little dresses. She said she was wiling to order anything as long as she was reasonably certain she could sell it. I promised I would pass the word along to people that I am sure will be very grateful.

Because I just followed along I found what I needed, acquired information that will help other customers and the owner of the store and created enough dresses to make six little girls in a far off country happy. Below is one of the little dresses I just put in the mail. Notice the chili peppers, a definite sign of the southwest.

What About the Children?

2011-09-11T10:16:00.000-07:00

On this 9/11/11 many people are remembering the 3,000 souls that lost their lives 10 years ago. Although I agree it was a very traumatic experience for all, what about the children who survived?

This morning I have been making "little dresses" to send to orphan children in Africa and I have been thinking about children everywhere who suffer the loss of parents through no fault of their own. They are the lost souls of war and terrorism and their lives will be forever changed.

My personal experience goes back to my mother whose father died as the result of a war when she was 10. She grew up to be a very negative untrusting adult. Back then there was no draft, just as it is now. I wonder how many men, and today women too, give much thought to what will happen to their children if they should never return home.

My youngest grandson was 3 days old and living in New York, just 400 miles from the attack on the twin towers, when the senseless attack occurred. In their neighborhood there were daily bomb threats, causing evacuation of apartments and houses. I wonder does one so young have lingering memories of the stress his new mother was under?

The memories of little children all over the world missing limbs and disfigured by land mines and bombs are forever etched in my mind. What did they do to deserve living their young lives in such pain?

I have a different view of 9/11 than the majority of Americans do. I believe it was a universal warning to rethink what we are doing. I also believe we have not learned the lesson. We continue to tell other countries how to rule their people, yet our country is in the worst shape it has been in since my birth and that's a long time.

When are we going to stop trying to control the entire world and just stay in our own back yard? I wonder if, in my lifetime, those sitting in the seats of power will ever think about the children who will be left behind.

Just do it!

2011-09-08T16:07:00.000-07:00

I just finished a wonderful book, Paths of Glory, by Jeffrey Archer. It is not one I would have ordinarily read, but it was one I believe I was meant to read. The book presented the life of George Leigh Mallory and his quest to be the first man to stand on the top of Mt. Everest. He was once quoted as saying he wanted to do it because it was there. From the first page I was aware that he had died on the mountain and his body was discovered in 1999. I believe it is the only book I have ever read knowing the end before I began.

Like every human life we all know it will end- sometime. It is the journey between human conception and human death that separates each being.

I have been reconsidering my recent posts due to time to think and interesting facts that have presented themselves. I have come to the conclusion that to intentionally eliminate people and experiences just because they offer challenges is taking the easy way out. I just checked my genealogy and found no chickens in my past so from now on I am going to cease that line of thinking.

When my “conscious awakening” journey began eleven years ago a friend talked me into using sage to rid my house of negative energy. I also followed advice to sprinkle kosher salt to keep negative energy from my entering my property. Over the years there have been other little suggestions, such as asking the universe to surround me with white light that I have practiced. Twenty-two years ago I endured six weeks of radiation on the slim chance my doctor had dropped one cancer cell before he closed the incision he had so skillfully made.

Today I am wondering what positive experiences these precautions eliminated along with the unseen negative energy. Given another chance I don’t think I would follow the same route now. Life challenges are there for one reason, to assist us in learning how to best deal with them.

I believe there are two ways of living one’s life; either by being an observer and watching how others live or by taking chances and participating.

Following George Mallory’s example, my new quest is to face my future challenges because they are there.

Achieving Tolerance

2011-09-05T06:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's post regarding Virgos combined with a comment made by a loyal friend and reader caused me to think beyond what I had written. It led me to the word tolerance.

Today I can see what was at first not obvious. Every relationship provides a lesson for us to learn. Whether we are willing to do so is completely up to us. Why would the Universe continually plop Virgos, which I now know are my pole opposites, in my life? I now believe it was to learn tolerance for others who look at things with different eyes than mine, partly because they were born under a different astrological sign.

When you couple that with basic life experiences such as health, education, and economic status the differences can be staggering. There is no room for blame here, it is what it is. There is no right or wrong way to walk your assigned path, just keep walking.

We are all one, coming from the same place and returning to the area from which we came. Some of us will return shinning a brighter light, depending on how willing we were to learn the lessons provided while visiting this planet called earth.

I for one am grateful that I was born under the sign of Sagittarius with a curious mind, always asking that next question.

What's Up With Virgos?

2011-09-03T08:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I ended a relationship with a person who is a Virgo. It has been an on again off again relationship for a couple of years. I know now it was never meant to be long term. It provided much needed education for me and I suspect for the other person as well, although he probably would never admit it.

Just out of curiosity I checked out the compatibility between Virgo and Sagittarius. I had to laugh when I discovered these two signs are the least compatible of all the signs of the zodiac. If I had known that before accepting this person into my life I would at least have been a little cautious of getting too involved.

According to the information I located, "Virgos tend to be emotionally cold, shrink from committing themselves to friendship, make few friends and are careful to keep them superficial. They do not trust others and bring the act of self concealment to a high pitch."

Wow! Do you think possibly my rocky road with Virgos is not really my fault?

Interestingly, God/Source has deposited a ton of Virgos in my life. Plus friends, they include my daughter, a deceased daughter-in-law, a former son-in-law, three of my four grandchildren and my great grandson, who just turned one yesterday. That's a lot of Virgos in one lifetime.

I wonder what God/Source could have been thinking. Did his/her finger just get stuck in one place or is there a lesson here someplace meant just for me? These relationships certainly have made me stronger. Many have caused me to stand up for myself and believe in me and the universal gifts I have been given, no matter what anyone else thinks. Perhaps that is the key to answering my question- what's up with Virgos?

Stepping Back

2011-09-01T08:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was an interesting day for me as I took a step in a backwards direction. At the urging from a friend I decided to join the local senior citizen group on a trip to El Morro National Monument. I had been there probably thirty years before, but without a park guide. This time it was very educational. Also this time I didn't go all the way to the top.

El Morro is also called inscription rock and contains the signatures and markings of travelers who passed through the area many years ago. The stone is Zuni Sandstone, a deposit of windblown sand of Jurassic age, about 170 million years ago. Some of the signatures are beautifully elegant and some are quite primitive.

The path we were following was very easy to walk, but the sun almost directly overhead made the journey a little uncomfortable. We took every opportunity to hydrate and take advantage of the limited shade. Our guides were very knowledgeable and very personable.

By the time we arrived back at the visitor center it was time to enjoy the nice sack lunch the Senior Center had provided and spend some time visiting. I was also happy that the driver of our van was someone I had known for several years.

All in all it was a very pleasant day taking a step back.

The above photo shows footprints left by early travelers.

Happy Birth Day to You

2011-08-30T08:31:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow marks the 32nd anniversary of giving birth to my 3rd and youngest child, a daughter named Christina Marie. I must say agreeing to have another child at 40 has certainly provided years of educational experiences for me, that I would not otherwise have had.

My only daughter has a very special son who will be celebrating his 10th birthday next week, a new husband, a great job and a world of yet undiscovered talents. I wish her all the experiences she needs to grow and evolve her soul.

Happy birthday to you Christina!

Accepting What Is

2011-08-29T10:34:00.000-07:00

Speaking as a recovering control freak accepting what is has been the hardest to conquer of all the lessons on my personal list of life challenges.

Lately I seem to be making progress, which in turn is lessening the stress I have cooked up for myself most of my adult life. I have found that when I stop trying to make things as I wish them to be and not as they really are it intercepts the negative energy which always leads directly to unhappiness. If I had learned that a whole lot sooner I could have saved myself a ton of pain and tears.

Just this last weekend I had a real life experience proving this fact. Due to circumstances I had been deprived of seeing my grandson most of the summer. It made me very unhappy because we both really enjoy our time together. I finally realized that there was nothing I could do about it and stopped focusing on it.

Surprise surprise! My little man stopped by Friday night because he had a school fundraiser he wanted to interest me in. Of course, I ordered something because it helps with their field trips. I didn't expect to see him again, but Saturday morning he stopped by and asked, "Grandma can I stay until noon?" Now, what do you think I said? The positive energy wasn't over yet because about 5:30 Sunday evening he again appeared at my front door and announced, "My mom said I can stay until 7:30."

We decided to go to the Riverwalk, a favorite spot for both of us. I believe my change of focus had a lot to do with what happened. When I accepted what is things got better.

Lately I have been having a terrible time with my blood pressure. Until about six years ago it was very low and then something happened (age I guess) and I have been taking medication every since. I detest the word hypertension and must admit I did every thing I could to make myself believe it did not apply to me. It simply was not acceptable because it meant there was something wrong with me. I do everything I can to stay healthy and this just wasn't fair!

I have finally decided to knock it off and accept the fact that it does apply to me. Resisting is just making it worse and causing me to focus on the very thing that I want to go away. It was pointed out to me that possibly I should be grateful that there was something I could take for hypertension. There are a lot of things I could have that there is no help for. I look around at people my age and see that I am very healthy, mostly because of the manner in which I live my
life. It is of course, possible that when I just accept what is instead of fighting it, my blood pressure will come down all by itself and my medication will then be reduced.

It appears I am getting better at accepting what is and I am going to stay on that path and see what other good things happen along the way.

Happy Days

2011-08-26T15:19:00.000-07:00

Forget It

What are you going to do when what you want and
believe in doesn't seem to be coming true?
Like chicken soup a little hard work is good for you,
for anything worth having is worth the struggle too.
If it came too easy just by holding out your hand,
you would wonder and worry and not understand.
Believing and working to always do your best,
makes more than the getting the valuable quest.
What are you going to do when what you want and
believe in doesn't seem to be coming true?
Forget it? Forget it!

Barbara Loure` Gunn 2005

What Now Pussycat?

2011-08-23T15:15:00.000-07:00

Have you ever stopped to review your life's jobs and said been there, done that, now what?

I just found out my son, who is now in Kuwait working as a civilian for the next year is not going to be doing the job he was hired for. Instead of running their driving school he will be teaching for the Environmental, Safety and Health Department. The material mostly consists of basic OSHA industrial safety stuff, including hazardous material handling. He will end up with an OSHA instructor certificate, which should help him obtain a job when he comes home. When he was in the regular Army, way back when, chemicals were his specialty. He also spent some time working as an exterminator.

This interesting turn of events in my son's life caused me to look at my life's jobs and wonder where the experiences might be leading me.

Dept. store sales clerk
File clerk/PBX relief operator

The next group provided management skills, self motivation, communication skills and offered something to others.
Craft show exhibitor
Avon representative
Product demonstrator
Resource Development Coordinator
Columnist/free lance writer/published author

The next group was volunteer and dealt with people of all ages.
Mother
Cub Scout Den Mother
Elementary school room mother
Mother Advisor IORG (Rainbow Girls)
Theater group costumer
Hospital Auxilary Treasurer
Foster Grandparent/elementary school
Writing group for kids

Although I can clearly see how my son's experiences led him to his current job I do not have a clue what is coming next in my life. The Universe is full of surprises so I guess I will just have to wait and see.

A Matter of Opinion

2011-08-14T14:40:00.000-07:00

This morning I went to my favorite spot in all of Grants, the Riverwalk. I took my camera and a small bag of bread crumbs to feed my feathered friends swimming in the water. Then I began to look around to see what I could see. As often happens early on a Sunday morning I was the only human there.

There was a slight wind which made walking around the park very comfortable. I have always been strongly fascinated by the trees along the path. I have in the past taken many photos of them. My very favorite are the willow trees. I took a few new photos and posted one I liked on Facebook to share with my friends. The response was favorable. Many others shared my opinion of the beautiful willow tree. They saw, as I did, the grace and freedom of this magnificent offering of the creator’s talent.

The photo reminded me of the now famous quote from a Barbara Walters interview in 1989. Responding to a statement made by Katherine Hepburn, she asked, “If you were a tree what kind would you be?” The answer Miss Hepburn gave was an oak, neither wanted to be a weeping willow. I believe they considered it frail.

I strongly disagree! As I stood observing how the branches of the willow move with the wind I realized that if I were a tree I would want to be one of them. They have strong roots soundly planted in the soil yet their branches do not resist the weather. They freely accept what is and move with it. What a great example of the way we humans were created to be.

Everything is just a matter of opinion, but I would like to be a willow tree. Below is one of my favorite photos of my favorite tree.

Recurring Experiences

2011-08-13T12:44:00.000-07:00

In 1989 my daughter was 10 and her oldest brother, 18 years older than she was. At that time my son was in the Army, stationed in Saudi Arabia. Today my daughter's son is almost 10 and his uncle is on his way to a year's stay in Kuwait. It is an interesting set of circumstances presenting recurring experiences.

Added to this equation is the fact that in 1989 I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. I am currently dealing with a blood pressure issue, the cause of which is still being investigated by my doctor. I chose to share neither of these facts with my son at the time of their occurrence. Why? I just decided he had enough to worry about and also because I did not believe either to be life threatening.

The circumstances are better this time around. My son will not be living in a foxhole in the middle of a desert worrying about stepping on a land mine. This time he has a civilian job on the Kuwaiti Air Force base and will be living in an apartment in town. He also has hopes of securing a job in his home town, through his employer, when he returns in a year.

This morning I was upset because I hadn't had a chance to say goodbye to my son. I knew there was a reason. It would be unlike him to ignore me. I finally called his cell and caught him at the airport. His flight had been delayed forty minutes. I also found out he had experienced some last minute problems last night. His internet service died and he had spent most of the night trying to get it working. He just hadn't had time to call me. We had a nice conversation and I said goodbye and wished him a safe trip.

After he gets settled in his new surroundings he will have internet service so we will be able to stay in touch. This is quite unlike his last overseas deployment when communication with him was few and far between. I am sure the year is going to pass quickly and I expect we will both learn much due to our recurring experiences.

I wish you well Jeff, come home physically and mentally safe and sound. I love you!

Uncle Jeff and Colin

I'm Still Here

2011-08-09T13:19:00.000-07:00

This morning I was walking with a friend I have known for over 30 years. We haven't been buddy buddy friends, but this is a small town and it is hard not to have a pretty good idea of what a person's life is like; unless you live in a cave. Although our challenges have been very different we are both still here.

We have been talking a lot lately on our morning walks about those challenges. This morning she remarked, "You have had a hard life." My response was, "I don't think it has been hard compared to other people I know."

She is not the first person to make that statement about my life and I have been thinking about that all day. I keep toying with, "Why don't I think her statement is true?" That's a very interesting question.

Of course, I have had tough challenges, every one living a human life has. That's why we are here isn't it? If life was supposed to be a piece of cake I would be residing on a puffy white cloud somewhere out there. I can see it now, my bare feet dangling over the side watching the world go by. Oh wait, spirits don't have feet, actually they don't even have bodies. Okay they do when they want us to see them.

I think the main reason I don't think my life is so bad is because I have finally realized that the things that I have survived were supposed to happen. The relationship, financial and health issues I have successfully dealt with were all part of the big picture to lead me right where my feet are at this moment.

So this afternoon as I look around my life I see that I have survived it all I am a very happy camper and I am grateful that I am still here!

On the Wings of an Angel

2011-08-01T16:47:00.000-07:00

I truly hope this is the last post I will write about the stress of my daughter not speaking to me for almost a year.

A friend who must be part angel gave me the last puzzle piece to put a positive spin on the situation today. I did not think that was possible.

I knew I had to let go of this problem, but I didn't know how. I knew that every time I tried to get my daughter to see reason and failed I was adding more negative energy to an already hurtful problem. I knew that there is supposed to be a lesson here, because every experience is just that. I am not stupid, but just because I knew these things doesn't mean I knew how to accomplish them. It is pretty hard to let go of a daughter that I spent six years praying that I would conceive.

The lesson with this child is and always has been that I cannot live another's life. She has her path and I have mine. Although they will probably always touch they are not the same.

Talking with a friend this morning I said the distance is made bigger because I have to drive past her house every time I go to town. I felt like God/Source was intentionally adding fuel to the fire. Knowing it will be sometime before she is going to allow me back in her life caused pain I couldn't deal with.

My friend pointed out that the universe was giving me an opportunity to change negative energy to positive energy. Her advice, "When you drive by her house blow her a kiss and wish her well. The universe will balance the indifference if you contribute positively to the situation."

I am taking Priscill's advice because I know it came on the wings of an angel.

A Little Secret

2011-07-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

As the rest of the world living on Social Security holds their breath that they might not get their check in August I am not worried because I have a secret. I know I am not getting a check next month and it makes me chuckle a little.

Last March and April Social Security erroneously deposited money which amounted to one and 3/4 months benefits into my checking account. Following my intuition and advice from loyal friends I didn't spend it. I opened a savings account and stuck it there for safe keeping until SS figured out what they had done.

I pretty much knew the money wasn't mine, but I decided to play around with them for awhile. They eventually sent me a letter wanting it back. Instead of agreeing I asked for reconsideration, which took a couple of months of their time to comply with. Having survived a battle with them previously I knew what to expect.

Finally in June I received another letter asking for a ton of original documents verifying my income and holdings. In return I sent it all back to them with a message that I was done and they could recover the money from my benefits. I also suggested that the next time they decided to put money in my checking account they had better make sure it was actually mine.

So, this is why I already know I will not receive my Social Security check in August. Unlike other U.S. citizens all I have to do is transfer it from one account to another. Of course, if Congress continues to play their disgusting game of holding its citizens hostage that is an entirely different matter.

Red Flags

2011-07-30T08:14:00.000-07:00

The two words that got my attention this morning were RED FLAGS. They were posted on Facebook along with the admonition to take them seriously.

I started thinking about that in relation to my serious blood pressure spike earlier this month. I could have taken that to mean death is coming soon beware. That reminds me of when my doctor announced in 1989- you have uterine cancer. My first thought wasn't death. My first thought was- so what are you going to do about it?

Since my current red flag alert I have put myself first, something I need to do from now on. I have tried everything that came up to reduce stress and relax. I have tried to let go of assuming responsibility for the problems that others have created for themselves. I have made an effort to let go of the people who are adding to my stress. I have tried to rewire my brain on the way I react to negative energy and I am still working on this one because it is a biggie.

Adding to the positive side I have opened my eyes to the glorious gift of friendship from people who showed concern and offered help. Even if I didn't take their suggestion, because it wouldn't work for me, their concern and offer was what was important.

This month has been a struggle to finally put myself first and to accept things as they are, not as I wish them to be. If I had not been given that red flag I would have just coasted along doing the things I have always done. Thank God for RED FLAGS and thank God for my guides who made me pay attention!

Up and Away

2011-07-27T10:16:00.000-07:00

It is strange how a couple of words can stick in my brain and lead me to take positive action. In this case the two words were helium balloon. For most people that would probably bring to mind a party of some kind or the act of children inhaling the helium to create an amusing voice.

For me it brought back a memory of watching a dramatic episode of "Desperate Housewives". Gabriel had just lost a baby that she didn't think she even wanted until it was gone. A caring man took her to a park, gave her a helium balloon and told her to imagine it was her pain and when she was ready let it go.

I had been having problems lately letting go of life long blocks that appear to be interfering in my current life. I have on occasion written down issues I no longer wanted to deal with and burnt them, giving them back to the universe. I decided perhaps it was time to try something different with two thoughts that had followed me since I was a child.

One bright morning, which offered a slight bit of wind, I bought two helium balloons. I knew the colors I would purchase before I got to the store. One was green and one was bright pink. They seemed to compliment each other in a strange way, which got my attention.

I labeled the green one unworthy of wealth and the pink one unworthy of love.

I drove to a large grassy field and walked to the center, silently contemplating what I was intending to do next. Looking up at the bright blue sky with its white puffy clouds, I one by one let each balloon go, continuing to watch them as they climbed higher and higher and away from me.

As I drove away I noticed that I felt lighter and more peaceful. Perhaps this positive act of faith will do the trick once and for all and rid my current life of negative thoughts that are no longer needed.

Stop Fighting

2011-07-26T12:35:00.000-07:00

On my journey to find a more peaceful relaxing relationship with myself I have run into some interesting information. From the book The Happiness Trap came the helpful message, when you are dealing with negative thoughts and emotions, don't fight them; accept them and let them be.

Why didn't I think of that? I could have saved myself a lot of grief by following this advice. The more you struggle with anything negative the bigger it becomes. When you just acknowledge its presence it will most likely diminish in one way or the other.

When I think back to all the years I previously spent trying to fight severe anxiety attacks I can clearly see how true this advice is. Too bad I didn't know it at the time. Back then I took the stance that there had to be something wrong with me. Why couldn't I just make the attacks stop? What did I do to deserve this terrible experience? I now think the answer to that was nothing. It was just part of my journey. One diversion that seemed to work at the time was to slowly count backwards from 100.

Lately I have been trying out several techniques to learn to relax more. I checked out a website offering very simple Yoga instructions for beginners. One suggestion that attracted me was the Shava Asano position, so simple anyone can do it. Basically you just lie down face up on a mat or carpet, close your eyes and imagine that your whole body is relaxed.

I have, at the suggestion of my chiropractor, scheduled several appointments for massage therapy, which I am looking forward to. It has been years since I gave myself this treat.

In addition to this indulgence, a very generous friend is giving me the gift of an intuitive reading with a skilled healer she has worked with. This will be a first for me and I am both excited and a little bit nervous. I am also very grateful that my friend cared enough about my welfare to offer this gift.

So together with practicing better breathing habits I am well on the road to a more relaxing existence. I am finding it less and less necessary to fight negative energy. I am gradually learning to let it be and focus on positive energy.

Just Breathe

2011-07-21T12:51:00.000-07:00

Breathing should be a natural thing we do the moment we are free of the birth cannel. There is a right and a wrong way to breathe. Somewhere along my path I began taking shallow breaths and at times even holding my breath. I know I am not the only one who has this problem, but now that I am conscious of it I need to take steps to end the habit.

I did a little research on the subject and would like to share what I found. First from the website of Dr. Weil I found a couple of simple techniques that I liked. They can be done anywhere and nobody needs to know you are doing them. Practice makes perfect!

Exercise #1 (4-7-8)
Place the tip of your tongue against the ridge of tissue just behind your upper teeth and keep it there through the entire exercise. You will be exhaling through your mouth and around your tongue.
Exhale completely through your mouth.
Close your mouth and inhale through your nose to a mental count of 4.
Hold your breath for a count of 7.
Exhale through your mouth for a count of 8.
Now repeat the sequence three more times.

Exercise #2 (breath counting)
Gently close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.
Breathe naturally, quiet and slow, count one to yourself as you exhale,
The next time you exhale count two and so on to five.
Then begin a new cycle.
Try to do this exercise for 10 minutes.

A fun exercise from a friend was “take three breaths, say something nice about yourself, smile, take another breath”. You can just keep going until you run out of nice things to say about yourself.

Of course, one of the most suggested is deep breathing for several minutes, focusing on your breath and letting other thoughts simply drop away. A little harder to do for those who have difficulty relaxing. Again practice makes perfect.

Another friend shared this wonderful quote from yoga master, Krishnamacharya:
“Inhale and God approaches you. Hold the inhalation and God remains with you. Exhale and you approach God. Hold the exhalation and surrender to God.”

I also found this appropriate piece written by Leo Babauta:
Breathe.

Breathing can transform your life.

If you feel stressed out and overwhelmed, breathe. It will calm you and release the tensions.

If you are worried about something coming up, or caught up in something that already happened, breathe. It will bring you back to the present.

If you are discouraged and have forgotten your purpose in life, breathe. It will remind you about how precious life is, and that each breath in this life is a gift you need to appreciate. Make the most of this gift.

If you have too many tasks to do, or are scattered during your workday, breathe. It will bring you into focus, to concentrate on the most important task you need to be focusing on right now.

If you are spending time with someone you love, breathe. It will allow you to be present with that person, rather than thinking about work or other things you need to do.

If you are exercising, breathe. It will help you enjoy the exercise, and therefore stick with it longer.

If you are moving too fast, breathe. It will remind you to slow down and enjoy life more.

So breathe. And enjoy each moment of this life. They’re too fleeting and few to waste.

Ending this post is a quote from the book The Road, by Cormac Mc Carthy
“The breath of God was his breath, yet though it pass from man to man through all time.”

Bon Voyage Jeff

2011-07-20T08:43:00.000-07:00

My oldest son, Jeff, is leaving soon for a one year civilian job in Kuwait. As a mother I was not thrilled when he first told me about this opportunity. He has since assured me that there has not been a terrorist attack in that country for several years. He no doubt got the idea that I was worried when I sent him a St. Christopher prayer card to put in his wallet. Even though I don’t follow the Catholic path now I do strongly believe in the protection of Saints and angels and I figured it couldn’t hurt.

My son is a Sgt. Major in the Army Reserve and until Obama assumed the office of president he was training troops to go to Iraq. He owned a home and thought his life was going pretty well. Sometimes life is an illusion.

Jeff has spent most of his adult life serving his country. He joined the regular Army right after high school and spent 12 years moving from place to place; Fort Ord, CA, Italy, Fort Sill, Ok, Germany, Ft. McClellan, Al were all his temporary homes before finally serving in the Gulf War, commonly known as Operation Desert Storm. He then joined the Army Reserve and except for a few years has been an active member. He was one year short of retirement when his life suddenly changed.

Since troops were no longer being trained to go to Afghanistan the Army eliminated his job and could not or would not find him a replacement. They literally forced him out as an active member of the Reserve and left him on his own to find a civilian job. For the last couple of years he has applied for every job that came up with no luck. He even volunteered to go to Afghanistan. He was close to extinguishing his savings to survive and pay his bills.

Just when he had almost given up hope, he was offered a civilian job in Kuwait. It has taken several weeks to meet all the requirements which included an abundance of paperwork and a medical and dental checkup to assure the Kuwaiti Embassy that he is fit to work in their country for a year. All that remains is for his Visa to arrive and his flight to be arranged.

He will soon be leaving on a jet plane for another adventure. Kuwait is a long ways away, but with email it is as close as if he were still in the U.S. I know he is going to do a great job with his new assignment of running their driving school and I believe it will lead to something even better.

So, I am saying bon voyage Jeff, enjoy this unique opportunity to grow! Always remember that I am very proud that you are my son.

Laugh or Cry

2011-07-12T18:29:00.000-07:00

This has been one of those days that cause me to either laugh or cry. It started out pretty well and then as the day progressed got interesting!?

I woke up feeling great after a restful night's sleep. I went to Futures and walked and used the exercise room for an hour then kept an appointment with my friendly chiropractor, who had just returned to work after a two week mission trip to Africa. I noted that it had been two months since my last visit and because of the trauma of the last week my body needed attention.

After returning home I decided to give my new blood pressure monitor a try. Remember it was the one the pharmacist said was reliable and worth the money. Well, I didn't like the reading because it seemed much higher than I thought it should have been. I went to the hospital and had a nurse check it. Guess what? The shinny new monitor was wrong. Thank God the nurses at our hospital are so helpful and understanding. I am going to try the same thing tomorrow, only in reverse. Then if there is still a difference I am making a call to OMRON, the makers of this so called "accurate" machine.

Getting back in my car, I noticed a little icon on my dash that told me I had no gas and the gas gage was on the empty mark. Since I had just filled up yesterday afternoon that was not possible. There was a possibility that someone had siphoned the gas, but realizing that I was parked directly in line with the hospital's front door and had only been gone for maybe ten minutes that wasn't very likely.

I drove to a station owned by a long time friend to ask his opinion of this strangeness. He checked the fuses and determined the fuel gage was burnt out. He said I would have to take the car to the dealer. Great, I thought I don't drive to Albuquerque anymore so that is going to be a bit tricky. My question to one of his employees was how am I supposed to know how much gas I have if the gage isn't working? He told me to turn on the trip counter to zero every time I filled up and keep track of the miles. I already knew I get gas about every 12-14 days. It made me feel a little better.

Noticing my engine was absolutely filthy the employee said he would follow me to the car wash a few blocks away and he would clean it for me. When you live in New Mexico all kinds of dirt and sand covers whatever it can find to attach itself to. I had been wanting to have this done for some time. I sat in the car while my engine got clean. Driving home the car acted a little strange and the engine light came on. I was told it was reacting to the forceful water treatment. I held my breath and hoped that was the problem.

Arriving home in one piece, I parked the car and let it sit and dry off. In the meantime I contacted the dealer's service department to find out the cost of getting a new gage installed. I waited all afternoon for someone to call me back, contemplating how I would get my car to Albq. and how I was going to pay the bill. Much later I started the car up to see what little light would get my attention this time. Nothing unusual happened, except the gas gage was where it was supposed to be and everything appeared to be back to normal. I decided to go for a spin to see if the car was still acting strange. All was well. The engine seemed very appreciative of having a much needed bath.

At the end of this strangely interesting day I am sitting at my computer thinking God has a very unique sense of humor. I had a choice of either laughing or crying and I chose to see the humor in everything that happened today.

A Great Big Hug

2011-07-11T09:13:00.000-07:00

Today I am offering a great big ((((hug)))) to all my friends who saw that I was having a problem and took the time to share solutions that worked for them. They didn't try to control my mind. They just quietly planted seeds and allowed me to see what worked and what didn't.

Those are the kinds of people that I treasure as friends. They don't interfere, but they can always be counted on to throw me a life line when I have walked into water just a bit too deep.

You all know who you are, so I don't need to mention names. Just accept this great big ((((((((HUG)))))))) and know that I love you, even if I don't say it very often.

P.S. Kept my doctor appointment today and discovered my BP monitor was not working properly. I tossed it and bought one the pharmacist recommended. Much of the problems this past week were self inflicted, caused by worry and focusing on the what if's. Now that I have a new monitor and a new attitude I'll see what happens when my doctor checks things out in two weeks.

Stress

2011-07-08T11:49:00.000-07:00

Even though your life is full of stress it is how you react to it that will cause you problems. Because of blood pressure issues that I have experienced this week I have had to take a look at what is causing stress in my life.

Financial worries are a constant problem when your income rests on Social Security. Owning a house and trying to keep things fixed only adds to the problem. Unless God gives me the winning numbers for the NM Lottery or a rich relative dies that I don't know about I am pretty much stuck with what I have. Since I don't owe anyone anything I guess I must be doing something right. It sure would be nice to have some extras though.

Next there are relationship problems. Now there's a tricky one. It has been a life long pattern for me to take the blame. My soul mind says, "just let it go". My human ego says, "why can't I make that idiot see how wrong she/he is?" I don't wish the person any harm, but it is very hard for me to see that the person is providing a lesson needed for my soul to evolve. A lesson we both agreed to once upon a time. Possibly there was a little insanity in a previous life.

Worrying about other people's problems and letting them affect my life is a past and present cause of much of my stress. Perhaps it is a leftover from my mother role or maybe it is because I am a recovering control freak. Whatever it is I have to stop doing it and focus on me.

I am sure when I keep my appointment with my family doctor on Monday one of the first things she is going to ask is, "What is causing stress in your life?" I have three days to work on my answer.

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can and
Wisdom to know the difference.
~Reinhold Niebuhr

A Little Fish

2011-07-07T09:54:00.000-07:00

When I was about six I had major surgery due to a mastoid growth. The experience began with a severe earache, which was ignored until my grandmother insisted that I be taken to a doctor. Thank God for grandmothers. The doctor informed my mother that if she had waited one more day I would probably not have lived. That night my father, who was a cook, told me I could have anything I wanted for dinner. I chose smelt. It is a little fish he fried and was my favorite.

I didn't realize until this morning that by giving me this power of choice he was also expressing his love and concern for me in the only way he knew how.I am sorry I didn't realize that at the time.

The next step was to be admitted to the hospital, I believe around midnight. I have no memory of either of my parents or my grandparents staying in the hospital with me nor do I have any memory of anyone explaining what was going to happen to me. I do know that the nurses did not expect me to survive the surgery. When I mentioned this to my mother many years later, she said I had probably heard them talking.

My next memory was of laying on a gurney in a hallway just outside the operating room- alone. Thinking back to what a 6 year old would be feeling having had no preparation, I imagine I was petrified. Then I remember being in the operating room and the doctor yelling at the attendants because I was not asleep yet. then the gas mask and counting. For many years I had the sensation that I was was being smothered, but it was only the memory of the mask, realized through a hypnosis session.

I did survive the surgery and know that I lived because penicillin had just become available. I do remember the shots, a lot of them. I only remember my parents visiting once bringing my younger brother. He sat on the end of my bed and it made me angry. I no doubt thought,this was my time for attention go away. He was 13 months younger than I was and literally cheated me out of having a childhood of my own. I even missed going to kindergarten because he didn't want me to go.

Today I believe this experience sparked a life time fear of abandonment which led to many negative choices as an adult. When you are afraid to be alone you accept abusive behavior from others because something is better than nothing. I believe it is the exact reason women stay with physically abusive partners.

Sometimes experiences happen so that we can realize what is really going on in our life and remove the block. This happened to me Tuesday when my blood pressure rose to 200/98. It had been a bit erratic for a week or so and my intuition said you better see what it is doing. When I saw it was that high I panicked and it of course, made the situation worse. Following my logical mind I took some medication I had to try to bring it down.

Then my illogical mind took over and it said, "You have nobody in your life that you can depend on, what if you have a stroke or heart attack and there is nobody to even know you died?" I ended up going to the emergency room, which I was trying to avoid because I have no insurance. I was afraid I would be admitted. I survived, but the experience caused me to realize that I do have a fear of abandonment and now that I know where it came from I can take steps to deal with it.

I can depend on myself and my strong connection with my soul and my Creator, which is all I ever needed to face any challenge. I can stop taking crap from the people in my life who are dishing it out. I can focus on the people in my life who truly care about my welfare. Maybe I'll even take a trip to the pacific northwest and find someone who can offer me a plate of freshly fried smelt.

Detachment/Attachment

2011-07-03T11:25:00.000-07:00

When you don’t like the way your life is going you can detach from all the energies that are causing you to be unhappy. That includes people, places and things. You can just dump everything and start over with a blank canvas, taking with you the lessons you have learned. You can detach from everything human, but you can never detach from your attachment with your soul.

Most people rarely give much thought to their souls. I guess they think they were just plopped here on this planet, with the assistance of a male and a female just doing their thing. I used to think that too, until I consciously connected to the essence of who I really am and will always be. The soul is what connects me to the oneness of eternity. It is the reason that whatever happens I am always attached.

Holidays are very hard for me because I spend them alone. Sure, I have friends who care, but they are not physically present. Yesterday I began feeling sorry for myself wondering why circumstances have placed me in this lonely position. I know I’m not a terrible person who deserves to be punished. That’s just plain silly.

The lesson is for me to realize that even though it seems so, complete detachment is simply not possible. I am always attached, even when I temporarily forget that fact.

Freedom to Be

2011-07-01T11:29:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about what freedom means to me on this Independence Day weekend.

What has taken me the longest to see is that I am most thankful for the freedom to be me.

Although I am no longer responsible for the care of breathing beings, except for my two cats, it doesn't have anything to do with the freedom I now feel. (BTW my furry friends will celebrate their birthdays this month, Ebony will be 7 and her son, Smokey will be 6.)

The freedom I feel is the ability to take whatever comes my way and make it mine, however I choose to do that. Most of my life I tried hard to fit in and do things the way THEY said they should be done. That isn't me and it never was.

So from this day forward I am going to simply appreciate the gift of freedom to be me that I have worked very hard to earn.

Happy 4th everyone!

Just a Little Can

2011-06-29T09:07:00.000-07:00

Today I am going to talk about a little can that could go a long ways to helping you with your problems.

In 1998 I was an Avon representative. One day an unusual product became available. It so intrigued me that I ordered one and have never been sorry that I did. It was a cassette (you remember those?) with a little item called the "God Can". It was created by Rev. Mary Manin Morrissey, who at the time operated the Living Enrichment Center near Portland, Oregon. Over the years she has faced many challenges, but always keeps her head up and absolutely knows that she is connected to her higher power. I have a great deal of respect for this woman.

Several things happened yesterday that caused me to dig up the cassette, long ago put aside, and once again listen to the voice of an angel. Mary's idea with the God Can was so simple anyone can do it. You simply write out your worries, problems, the things you cannot handle alone and with reverence; place them in the can. You have just let go of your problem and turned it over to God to take care of. Of course, the kit came with it's own little can, but any can will do. The idea is you can't take what you wrote back.

I have had some serious worries lately that I cannot handle alone, which even led to physical pain over the weekend. I am not going to bore you with the details because they matter to nobody but me. Sunday I began having severe stomach pains and eventually some vomiting. It could have been food poisoning, but my intuition tells me I brought it on myself. In desperation I left a message for my estranged daughter and asked for some ginger ale. Eventually, my request was granted and my grandson, speaking of angels, brought me a couple of cans of ginger soda. It did the trick and my pains subsided almost immediately after consuming the contents of one of the cans.

I never buy cans of soda, so it was a novelty to have one in my refrigerator last night. After listening to Mary's tape, I drank the contents of that little can, covered it with a piece of parchment paper I had saved, wrote out three issues I am having a problem dealing with and reverently dropped them one by one into my new God Can. They are no longer my problems. I let go of them and turned them over to my Creator.

If you think a little can will help you, try it for yourself. It's better than tossing it in the trash.

Where's the Off Switch?

2011-06-27T11:02:00.000-07:00

In my last post I stated that I now know what is keeping my manifestations/visions from becoming a reality. It is because I am afraid to leave my comfort zone. It would seem the next step should be easy, but I don't know where the switch is to turn out the light in that part of my life and walk into the present/future.

I guess the first question is what defines my current comfort zone? My house and its possessions, my financial situation, my health, my grandson. I am definitely not closing the door on my good health. As far as my grandson goes, he is almost 10 and perhaps it is time to let him fly on his own. I have done everything I could to provide the necessary balance for him, just as my grandparents did for me.

That just leaves my house/possessions and current financial situation. I believe I could walk away from them and not look back.

I remember a priest, Father Diego, asking the following question. "If your house was burning down what would you save,other than living things?" I think he was looking for something like nothing, everything important you carry inside yourself.

All I really need to know is where is the off switch located?

A New Box of Tools

2011-06-24T13:37:00.000-07:00

Along the path of my awakening journey I have gradually been given tools to help with my evolvement. Sometimes it was a book, a simple passage, a comment made by a friend and meant for me, access to a different healing method. The list is too long to detail in this space. My latest tool is EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique.

It is a simple method of tapping on several parts of the body, sometimes called acupuncture without needles. The purpose is to rid the mind of life long blocks that keep the person from living a happy healthy free life.

I had played with it a little bit, but 20 days ago I began to religiously use the EFT Videos offered by Brad Yates, a successful EFT practitioner for many years. There were three life issues that I wanted to clear up. One dealt with health, one with abundance and the third with love.

Almost from the first day these things began to lighten up and I was able to look at them with a different point of view. The abundance issue went way back to my childhood. Maybe I should call it the "scarcity" issue. I have experienced all phases of this problem, including a stint on Welfare. In recent years I have even prided myself on being able to live quite well on nothing.

Several years ago I was given a "vision" of receiving a large inheritance of some kind. Some people may think I am crazy, but I still believe this is going to happen, although I do not know the details. I have been feeling that I am getting closer and closer to my vision, but something is keeping it from happening. A few weeks ago a friend, who also believes in the reality of my vision, suggested I create a little ritual for the benefit of the universe; asking that any blocks that might be unknown to me be removed. I followed her instructions and positive things did begin to happen; but I still felt there was something blocking what is supposed to occur.

This is when I began using the EFT videos several times a day. Today I happened to listen to an interview that Brad Yates had done with a friend and I believe it provided the missing piece I had been searching for. I got almost to the end of the lengthy video when a light shone very brightly. The reason my vision has not happened is because I am afraid to leave my comfort zone. Never having experienced wealth in my entire life, I am afraid to take the risk of having abundance. Tomorrow is day 21 so I will see what happens next.

I do want to mention another benefit I have gained from EFT. This one came from Roger Smith, another practitioner who has created a faster method. Although doubtful, I decided to try it on a health issue I have been dealing with. For some time my lower back and hip have been causing me problems. Although I love my chiropractor, she has not been able to get things to stay put. Just for the hell of it I tried Roger's method two days ago, simply concentrating on the pain I actually had. You can believe it or not, but it is no longer a problem.

This is my experience with my new box of tools. Sharing is what I am here for so feel free to check out the EFT websites for Brad Yates and Roger Smith for yourself.

Never Too Late

2011-06-18T10:41:00.000-07:00

I see tomorrow is Father's Day again. Since my father died in 1967,the day usually
slides by without much fuss. This year I thought I would notice the man who is at least half responsible for my human existence in this life time. It is never too late to say thank you!

My father was a rather quiet reflective man whose own father, Godfrey, was originally from Sweden. He was 45 at the time of my father's birth and his wife, Beatrix, was 28. Sidney had three older siblings, a brother and two sisters. Godfrey died at age 70, the year I was born. Beatrix died at age 73.

Sidney, my father was always overshadowed by my mother, which accounts for my huge misunderstanding on how to succeed at male/female relationships. My second marriage, which lasted 27 years, was a reflection of the experiences I grew up with. Knowing now that we all play previously agreed upon roles, gives these experiences a new look. It takes away any left over blame.

Thinking this morning about the positive things I got from my father caused me to smile. I inherited his fair skin, freckles and at an earlier age reddish blond hair; although his hair was definitely red. We both possessed a curious mind that was basically self taught, an interest in photography and a love for cooking.

So on this day I offer a thank you to my father, Sidney James Halverson and share this 1942 photo taken in the front yard of the only real house we ever lived in. The pesky kid is my only sibling.

We are Never Alone

2011-06-17T09:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I watched a short video titled, "Soul Groups and Soul Families" that was very educational for me. Since my awakening journey began I have done a lot of research about souls, but this particular video was presented in such simple language that it cleared up many questions I still had about soul relationships. We are never alone.

The main message was that God/Source does not create souls individually. They are created in soul groups and their vibrational energy is at the same level. Each group is made up of soul families "which are bound by evolutionary purpose." These family members come together over successive life times and find each other by the vibrational energy they emanate.

A soul is the eternal essence of a person and never dies. In each life time some of the family members provide karmic lessons for both souls to learn, some offer support and some act as examples. When you think about your past life you can probably go back and pick out who played what role this time around.

The video led me to check out karmic lessons, further adding to my human education. They are: illness, addiction, criminality, death and betrayal. These lessons are presented through relationships and they come in two parts; giving and receiving. You can't get through life without experiencing one or more of them. The lesson will be learned when the soul sees and accepts the role they played to create the experience.

I can clearly see that my main karmic lesson is around addictions. That is a very big word, covering everything from mental, emotional, physical, chemical and on and on. I have had so many relationships dealing with addictions it almost makes me laugh. How many times does one soul have to go through the same lesson? I guess until it is learned. Now that I see and accept the reality perhaps I am done and can go on to something less stressful.

One thing always leads to another in my line of "work" and this train of thought reminded me of the words to this 1945 Rodgers & Hammerstein song. The video certainly gives the words new meaning.

You'll Never Walk Alone

When you walk through a storm
Keep your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind
Walk on through the rain.
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown,
Walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone.

Stuff Changes

2011-06-13T10:29:00.000-07:00

I found out some interesting news this morning. I obtained a new son-in-law over the weekend. Well he really isn't new- exactly. He and my daughter have been practicing being married for a couple of years and I never knew how to refer to her mate. When he became her fiance it helped a little, but the arrangement was still a bit off. So now I officially have a son-in-law. Welcome Zig and take good care of my daughter and grandson!

Also over the weekend I exited a Facebook group that just did not fit my line of thinking. It was started to offer healing prayers for those facing things like health challenges. The person who set it up decided to add me without my permission, which didn't set well with me. I choose to make my own decisions about what groups to join but, I decided to stick around for a bit just to see what the mindset of the members was.

As I have said before possibly I am a bit weird, but I really do not believe in praying that someone is healed. Yes, I believe in asking that they do not suffer and that they are given the assistance needed to deal with their challenge, but that is not the same as asking that they are healed. What if the challenge is the exact reason the person is living a human life? To pray that they are healed would be interfering with their purpose.

I had a conversation with someone not too long ago about her former husband which might add to this thought. Her husband had cancer and she said, "I prayed and prayed that he would be healed and he died." I said, "But he was healed." I believe we need to keep in mind that God's idea of healing may not be the same as ours. Our view is human not divine.

Another friend of mine, Barbara Hocker, lived most of her life as a diabetic. She dealt with amputations, dialysis, hospital stays and about everything one could survive as a diabetic. She accepted it all and was a positive role model to everyone that knew her. She was my friend for 15 years and in all that time I never felt a need to pray that she was healed. She lived her life exactly the way she knew she was supposed to until the day God/Source decided to heal her for good.

One more example of healing prayers, was my friend Jack, who was dying of a brain tumor. I prayed and prayed for him until one day I told his wife I didn't know what to pray for anymore. She said, "Pray for him to have peace." It was not long before his pain was over.

Remembering these personal experiences, I quietly left the healing group, knowing it was the right thing to do for me. Following this step I also one by one deleted several other FB groups I had joined in the past. Apparently I had outgrown them because it felt like I had just let go of a lot of unnecessary baggage.

I prefer to start each day with a simple expression of gratitude that I have been given the opportunity to live a human life with all its changing lessons that are meant to evolve my divine soul.

Welcome New followers

2011-06-11T14:20:00.000-07:00

Just a short note to welcome my newest followers: Jeff, Paul and Nina, and the rest of you can take a peek too.:) I have occasionally shared photos that contain spirit images with my readers. I began taking them in early 2000. I didn't ask for this gift it just appeared. I believe it is to convince non-believers that we never die and our spirits are always present. This is my very favorite titled "My Man". Say hi and enjoy his presence.

Request Granted

2011-06-10T10:55:00.000-07:00

Some of you may remember that last March Social Security placed a rather significant amount of money in my checking account with no explanation. I made a list of what I could do with it. It took two weeks before S.S. sent a letter stating they had made a mistake in my benefits and the extra money was the result.

Listening to advice from friends caused me to make sure I didn't spend it until I was absolutely sure it was really mine. I am so glad I listened because in April I got another letter. This one stated I had been overpaid back in 2008 and was expected to repay $1,869 in 30 days. This was $169 more than they had mysteriously put in my account the previous month. I immediately sent them a request for re-consideration.

In May I was so frustrated with this situation that I called our local S.S. office and actually talked to a real person. I told the woman I was quite willing to send back the $1,700 that some inefficient employee had caused to be deposited to my account, but I was protesting the additional $169 they claimed I owed them due to another inefficient employee's mistake way back in 2008.

I was advised not to send anything back. Ms.Jacklyn came to the conclusion that, in her opinion, I owed nothing. She further stated they can't take anything out of your benefits as long as you are challenging their decision. I decided, just to be safe I would put the money in a savings account so it wasn't accessible to me to spend.

Weeks went by and I heard nothing. I had expected to be sent forms to fill out or at least receive a phone call- nothing. Having this money and not knowing if it was mine was causing me stress. I just wanted the ridiculous situation to end. You know the saying be careful what you ask for? Yesterday I finally got a letter from S.S. with no indication that they had reconsidered their decision. It informed me they will deduct money from my monthly benefits until the entire amount is repaid.

Needless to say it pissed me off, until I remembered my request to terminate this stupidity. I had to laugh at myself because I got exactly what I asked for. I still don't think I owe them the extra $169, but apparently one can't fight an office who hires employees who never make mistakes.

Just because I could, I sent a copy of this blog post to my local Social Security office realizing that it might be tossed in file #13, but then there is always a chance it could get attention. There is another popular saying, "The squeaky wheel gets the grease!" I'll keep you all posted.

Poor Little Car!

2011-06-08T15:03:00.000-07:00

I bought my 2005 Hyundai Accent new at the beginning of 2006. It has been a great little car, never giving me any problems. Lately the universe has been treating it very badly.

A couple of weeks ago I was driving down a street in the center of town and a rock flipped up and caused a chip on the outside edge of the passenger side of the front window. At first I thought that wasn't too bad and I would just get it repaired. Before I could do that the little chip developed into a 12" long crack.

I checked with my insurance agent who said it would cost me $100 to replace the window, since I had buy back glass insurance. Without the insurance it would be about $700. My agent advised me to just ignore it until I had an extra $100. Not sure when she thought that would be, but I took her advice and waited.

About a week ago the crack had doubled in size, probably from the hotter weather and I decided this morning to make arrangements to have it replaced before it got any bigger. The glass company is supposed to bring a new window in the morning. I even decided to be extra nice to my little car and got the oil changed today.

Then we went to the grocery store. When I returned to my car I found several people telling me to check out my front bumper because they had witnessed a store employee intentionally ramming a basket into it. They were right. There were several deep gouges on the bumper and I noticed the hood was not sitting right.

To make a long story short after about an hour of talking to the cop who finally came to take my information and dealing with the store management, my car and I were free to leave the scene of the accident.

The cop suggested I put it through my insurance company and I said no way! The damage was done by a store employee while she was doing the work she was being paid to do. My car was not moving. It was sitting in a parking lot minding its own business. When confronted, the employee started yelling at me, insisting she was not responsible. I am, grateful that I have several witnesses to the fact that she is wrong. The incident is now in the hands of the store's insurance company.

Hopefully this is the last assault my poor little car will have to endure. It does not deserve to be mistreated.

Frog Messenger

2011-06-05T10:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I bought two used books that someone was selling cheap just for the heck of it! One was Before You Leap, A Frog's Eye View of Life's Greatest Lessons by none other than Kermit the Frog. The other was Five Years to Freedom, the True Story of a Vietnam POW by James N. Rowe. An odd combination of reading material for sure!

I started flipping through Kermit's book first just because I had never read a book written by a famous frog before. The first part is about his life and how he went from living in a swamp with his 2,353 siblings to becoming a huge TV and movie star. The second part is "Lessons for your Life". This part I am getting back to when I have more time, because I am sure there is a hidden message for me to read.

Then I picked up the POW book and began reading. It did not take me long to realize I would probably not finish this book. I had a feeling this book was purchased for someone else, perhaps my son who has a military career.

Before I put the book down I noticed that there was a bookmark in the middle of it. When I checked it out I found an adorable yellow frog staring at me. I considered it a gift and opened my dream book to see what message he might have brought me. First of all yellow = peace. Frog = Leaping from one situation to another without learning or resolution; you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince.

I have learned through experience that like shoes not every message fits. Although it is true I did leap from one thing to another I also have learned and now resolved many of my past problems. Kissing a lot of frogs to find my prince is a better fit! Also, I will take peace any way it wants to reveal itself.

I wanted to share my little frog messenger, who now adorns my vision board. Cute, isn't he?

Part of a Part or Part of the Whole?

2011-06-03T12:59:00.000-07:00

Several times a week I pick a word of the day and post it on Facebook to see what will happen. Today's word was *volunteer*. My response was "been there, done that and I suppose I can do it again." It brought up memories of a lot of volunteering.

Most of my past volunteer work has been done as a member of a group. Now I seem to have outgrown the need to belong to things and it required some adjustment in attitude. When there is a group there are group rules and often group leaders to make sure the group is doing things the way the group has always done them. To think beyond the group mentality is not acceptable.

Lately I see why I was never particularly happy volunteering and it is not because I don't enjoy helping others. It is that I no longer have the need to be told what to do or how to do it.

One of my FB friends, summed it up quite well and it opened my eyes. Priscill responded, "In the traditional sense I have always been there, done that! Now I am a volunteer in the dance of life, spreading cheer, energy and love in God's magical way."

I'm with her! I no longer desire to be part of a part. It has now become clear that I am part of the whole.

This Morning's Adventure

2011-06-01T14:09:00.000-07:00

Guest blogger:
Colin Stoughtenger age 9

This Morning’s Adventure

This morning my grandmother and I went to the park to feed the ducks and look at the baby ducks. When we got to the park we saw prisoners picking up trash. The mommy duck was hiding her babies under her feathers. They looked like ants swarming out of their hole. Then we found out that two babies where gone.

Four geese were bothering the mom and trying to eat the bread we brought for the ducks. I threw small pebbles at the water to scare them away. Then the babies got up on the pipe and we tried to take a picture of them. Then we were going to the other side of the pond and I found one of the missing babies and it was on its side dead. It made us sad.

I tried to teach my grandma to skip a rock. This is one of my favorite things to do in the park. This morning’s adventure was fun because I like going to the park with my grandma and I want to do it again.